Jan Avellana | Art + Words

Shine Bright | A Journey of Grace (My Kickstarter Project)

As part of my Kickstarter Project, funded back in April 2014, I’ve set up a blog where I’ve consolidated all of my writing in one place. I hope to add images to these writings as time permits, but for now, these essays ARE the new body of work I was hoping to create when I set out to do this project...it simply took a form I had not intended at the time. They will be featured in a solo show in 2015 (details to follow).

You see, a month after funding Shine Bright, both Mom and Dad became very ill. Over the next 6 months leading up til today, we ended up watching Dad pass away in October. Mom is still on her own hospice journey, but she is gaining strength each day. The fruit of this season are these writings, which I offer to you as a body of work that has truly come through me, heart and soul.

How to Really Live, Day 8 of 30! (A Kickstarter Project)

It’s pretty simple. I love you. Shine Bright.

XOXO,

jan :)

Week 6: Weekly Wrap-Up

{ Shine Bright :: © Jan Avellana, 2012 :: Original mixed-media }

We’re here, and we made it together! The final day of our 6 week journey.

As for me, this has been a project near and dear to my heart for some time now. I received a book (Parker Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak) from my dear friend, about 8 years ago or so, during a time my struggle with work (teaching) so miserable, I could barely hold on. It was life to me. There were friends like that didn’t fully understand what my struggle was all about, who couldn’t fix anything for me, but loved me through it and stuck by me even if they felt helpless at times. There was my Pastor,at Wellsping Covenant Chruch here in Hawaii who looked at me in the eye—a decade after I had disowned the title of artist— after having spilled my insides out onto the table before him at Starbucks, and simply said of my inner angst, “Well, it’s because you are an artist.” It was my artgroup that nurtured me as I began to find my creative voice again, who made me feel like I wasn’t so crazy after all. It was my sister who whisked me away for movies and countless scoops of ice cream and my husband who always knows to take me to the beach when I think I just can’t pursue my dreams any longer—and then hands me a teriyaki chicken plate from Keneke’s. And there was and is my online sisterhood, my tribe, that continues to grow one person at a time—that sustains and encourages me—regardless of the thousands of miles that separate us.

God blessed me with folks who loved me—and I know He has also blessed you—and by letting them in, we can feel not so alone after years of trying to talk with people who give us either blank stares or furrowed brows of consternation. Because of the misery I’ve experienced in my life, and the relief and hope that I have received from others, I want to be that light for someone else.

And this is my personal challenge to you, that for the rest of your days you might…

Be the light for someone in your world. Light up the darkness wherever you go, simply by being YOU.

14 “Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. 15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. 16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand - shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” ~Matthew 5: 14-16 (The Message)

Pastor Dale reminded me this week, that alhough Job suffered greatly for what must have seemed an eternity, God was ever present. His story ends like this:

“The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.” ~Job 42:12a

May it be so for you and may it be so for me, dear Lord.

I really do love you all.

XOXO,

Jan

Week 6: Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches? by Mary Oliver

No matter the seasons that have passed you by, no matter where you are in your life today, no matter how far you might feel from achieving your dreams—in this poem, poet Mary Oliver invites us all to live fully. It is not too late in the season of life to plant and reap new harvests and to, as she says—“leave your desk…and be not afraid”!

*******

Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?

by Mary Oliver

Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches of other lives --
tried to imagine what the crisp fringes, full of honey, hanging
from the branches of the young locust trees, in early morning, feel like?

Do you think this world was only an entertainment for you?

Never to enter the sea and notice how the water divides
with perfect courtesy, to let you in!
Never to lie down on the grass, as though you were the grass!
Never to leap to the air as you open your wings over the dark acorn of your heart!

No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint
that something is missing from your life!

Who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?
Who can travel the miles who does not put one foot
in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself
continually?
Who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed
with admiration, even with rapture, the outer stone?

Well, there is time left --
fields everywhere invite you into them.

And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away
from wherever you are, to look for your soul?

Quickly, then, get up, put on your coat, leave your desk!

To put one's foot into the door of the grass, which is
the mystery, which is death as well as life, and
not be afraid!

To set one's foot in the door of death, and be overcome
with amazement!

To sit down in front of the weeds, and imagine
god the ten-fingered, sailing out of his house of straw,
nodding this way and that way, to the flowers of the
present hour,
to the song falling out of the mockingbird's pink mouth,
to the tippets of the honeysuckle, that have opened

in the night

To sit down, like a weed among weeds, and rustle in the wind!

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window,

and the opening of the window no more difficult
than the wakening from a little sleep.

Only last week I went out among the thorns and said
to the wild roses:
deny me not,
     but suffer my devotion.
Then, all afternoon, I sat among them. Maybe

I even heard a curl or tow of music, damp and rouge red,
hurrying from their stubby buds, from their delicate watery bodies.

For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!

A woman standing in the weeds.
A small boat flounders in the deep waves, and what's coming next
is coming with its own heave and grace.

Meanwhile, once in a while, I have chanced, among the quick things,
upon the immutable.
What more could one ask?

And I would touch the faces of the daises,
and I would bow down
to think about it.

That was then, which hasn't ended yet.

Now the sun begins to swing down. Under the peach-light,
I cross the fields and the dunes, I follow the ocean's edge.

I climb, I backtrack.
I float.
I ramble my way home.

Week 6: What I Want to Tell You

I hope during our time together you’ve received love and more confidence to let YOUR light shine in the darkness. Remember, God Himself calls you to your life—and if He calls you, He trusts you! Go and be!

Week 6: Split the World Open

{ Cody :: 2008 }

We’ve been doing lots of reflecting, looking back, stopping to breathe and think and feel in this very moment. This week is about looking at the road ahead.

*******

The Wanderer

by Antonio Machado

Wanderer, your footsteps are
the road, and nothing more;
wanderer, there is no road,
the road is made by walking.
By walking one makes the road,
and upon glancing back
one sees the path
that must never be trod again.
Wanderer, there is no road--
Only wakes upon the sea.

*******

It is scary and exhilarating to think that tomorrow can be very different from today. It starts simply, with making different choices, choices based not in fear, or need for human approval or the desire to be nice—but based instead in knowing solidly that God loves us and trusts us and that we have permission to check with ourselves to see whether or not WE approve of our lives!

I warmly invite you to copy and paste these questions and answer any or all of them in the comments below:

1) What is it dear woman, that you are really and truly about—without apology, without permission from anybody else—who are you and what do you believe? Finish these statements:

I am…I believe...I give myself permission…

2) One truth I am ready to finally admit to myself is:

3) In an effort to live with more honesty and courage, what are 2 things and/or people you can start to say “No” to today (so that you can start to say “Yes” to yourself)?

4) What are your creative/professional goals for the next year?

5) List 5 concrete, measureable steps that will help you get closer to acheiving these creative/professional goals:

6) What are 2 things that make you happy that you can start doing every week for yourself?

7) What is your plan to nurture and/or build yourself a safe community of belonging? When will you begin?

Week 6: There is a Season

 

{ Sunset Beach, North Shore, Oahu }

I am 43 years old. I sit here writing my heart out, and in the background I can hear my children playing and laughing. The summer sun is setting outside my screen door and I voices waft up from the downstairs pool into my art studio. This summer is a working summer for me. With my husband home from teaching high school English to take care of the kiddos, he has given me his blessing to work, and I am left free most days to write, and create and become. It is a gift beyond words, this gift of time, for it is also the gift that says each day and each hour, “I believe in you and your art. I see how hard you work all year to juggle your work in between the housework and the kids and now it’s my turn.”

In some ways I feel that I am past my prime, that I am too old to still be trying to “get there” and feeling that I’ve wasted so much time trying to figure out my life. In other ways, I still feel very much like a kid. These parts of me feel resilient, strong and even audacious with big dreams and growing unabashed confidence that God’s purposes for me will come to fruition. The hard part, I find, is learning to be content and even joyful, fully trusting God, even if my big dreams don’t ever blossom. In the meanwhile I am learning about the trust thing, day by day.

Ecclesiasties 3 states:

¹ There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

 ^2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
   A right time to plant and another to reap,
   A right time to kill and another to heal,
   A right time to destroy and another to construct,
   A right time to cry and another to laugh,
   A right time to lament and another to cheer,
   A right time to make love and another to abstain,
   A right time to embrace and another to part,
   A right time to search and another to count your losses,
   A right time to hold on and another to let go,
   A right time to rip out and another to mend,
   A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
   A right time to love and another to hate,
   A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

 ~ Ecclesiasties 3:1-8, The Message

Over the years I have seen seasons of plenty and seasons of want. There was a decade when I laid down all artistic endeavors altogether and simply went to work everyday and lived a “normal” life, devoid of all art related pursuits…I can’t even recall how I survived or what brought me joy during that 10 year span. There were lessons learned, and re-learned and re-learned again, and then a slow and often painful journey back to myself. Through it all I continue to realize that our lives and our souls are a complex weave of lightness and darkness, chaos and peace, fearful striving and peaceful trusting and everything in between. There is messiness in living as in birthing a life, but the thing is, there is the living of all of it—and it’s the living of it all that matters. The seasons of life come and go and with them, there is an ebb and flow to all of life.

“Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh: “It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea.” You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen.” ~Henri Nouwen, (1932-1996), a Dutch Catholic Priest who authored 40 books on the spiritual life.

{ One of the flower pots I threw on the wheel at the University of Hawaii Leisure Center :: 2002 }

May your journey ahead be full of blessings and wonder and may you always feel the support and love of the kindred spirits you have met along the way.

Up for discussion: This week, take some time to reflect on how far you’ve come in the last 6 weeks on our journey together. What things are you aware of now that you weren’t when we began? Are there truths that you were afraid to admit to yourself at the start that you can now claim more boldy for yourself, and if so, what are those truths? Has any part of your soul or your life transformed? If so, what’s undergone transformation and to what extent? What are you choosing as an act of your own free will, to leave behind as you journey onward? A year from now, what is the one thing you think you’ll still remember from our time together?

Week 5: Weekly Wrap-Up

{ Me + April on a tribal outing }

Dear Awesome Girl,

When people gather around a common interest or value, community is born. But whether or not that community will grow and thrive and foster healthy, loving, honest relationships is up to the individuals who make up that community and the leadership who determines the vision and helps to nurture the culture of that community.

I have had mixed experiences with community. I have been in communities that made my skin crawl, where gossip and backbiting were a common, everyday occurence. I have been part of a grace-filled community that has welcomed a transgender Christian, struggling with his faith. I have been part of a life-giving community of friends, deep and true, where you can let your guard down completely, knowing with all your heart that they will always think the best of you, even when you are a blubbering and snotty mess of a failure and you’ve completely screwed up big time.

Such is this life we belong to. People are fickle and often self-seeking. But we are also kind and capable of great love.

May you find and nurture your own life-giving community. And may it add laughter and love to this wild life we are called to live.

XOXO,

Jan

Week 5: Building Community—A Tribe to Call Your Own

{ My Hawaii tribe enjoying Seattle! :) Cat, Ape and Me }

Safe community begins with us.

Where there is no safe community to be found, it’s up to us to gather our own people together. People who will love us, people who you can argue with and make up with and still love the next day, people who will tell you the truth in kindness, people who are good for you, people who will always think the best of you and people who will fight for you tooth and nail when you can’t fight for yourself.

It is so, so, so important to have a safe community to belong to, and if you don’t have one, or can’t find it out there, nurture and build your own!

{ Me, with the fabulous Crystal Neubauer!!! }

Choose, nurture and build your tribe well.

It is an honor and a privelege to belong to your tribe and only those most dear, most loyal and true should be allowed in.

(In other words, keep the (other) crazies out!)

Week 5: On Being a Safe Person

{ me, grade 1 }

True story: A woman at my old workplace would go out of her way to be super-duper friendly to me. She’d stop me in the street as she drove by, rolling down her car window to wave to me, to chat at the stoplight, even. I let my guard down and let her in. My weirdo-radar (apparently an obsolete model) gave me no indication that I should keep my distance from her. So, I didn’t. After a few months of this easy-breezy-chatty-friendship, I found out that she and another woman I hardly knew were spreading rumors about me that were totally untrue.

I was speechless. Really. The fact that someone can even conjure up something sinister about my life (whose highlight is going to the 7-11 for some spicy tuna sushi) is pretty exciting—oh, I mean really, very sad. My first reaction was to defend myself to “everyone”, to show them my resume, let them talk to my pastor and best friends who could vouch and attest for me that I am indeed a non-evil-entity and someone who can be trusted not to eat the very last piece of chocolate in the box because she thinks so of others more highly than herself. Truly. Kindof.

My next reaction (and this sickens me to say) was to be extra nice to this woman! As in, there is something wrong with me and if I were just nicer then she will take back everything she said and I would be okay again. As in, more truthfully, I didn’t have the courage to confront her and ask, “What the hell are you thinking and talking about, woman?!!!”

As time went by, I began to ask look more objectively about the situation. I began asking myself what is it that makes a safe community? What does “safe” really mean? And finally, how can I be a safe person? Here is what I’ve come to:

Safe means you don’t have to wonder if what I’m telling you or presenting you is the truth or not. Safe means you can trust me, really trust me. Safe means that I don’t judge you, that I am unshockable, that I am humble, that I am the first to admit my wrong and the first to say I’m sorry and really mean it. Safe means I will be vulnerable with you and expose the truth about who I am and that I will risk rejection and judgement in order to be my true self. Safe means, I talk openly about my doubts, fear, anger, joy, disappointments, selfishness, and envy, rather than pretend I’m not human, even if I use the occasional cuss word (as if I think God can’t hear my private grumblings or isn’t there to witness my outbursts with the pee-cat. Again.)

Safe means that I need to be as honest as I can be with myself and with you. That means, I need to say what I really feel and think, with as much honesty and kindness as I can possibly muster.

If it gives me the heebie-jeebies to smile and share a hug with someone, only to have them whisper something snarky behind my back, then I can’t be that kind of person. So, safe means that I don’t make snide comments about others becuase if I do, you can be sure that I’m saying those things about you when you're not there to hear (note to self: stay away from folks like this). That means if I have a problem with someone, I need to be courageous enough to address it directly with them—not get anyone else involved through a “venting session” or a “as-a-gossip-session-cloaked-as-a-prayer-request” and if I find that I don’t have the yayas to confront that person, then really, I just need to shut up. Seriously.

I need to not take myself oh-so seriously; I need to be able to laugh at myself and give others the benefit of the doubt and extend grace when they make a mistake and fess up because this is the kind of grace I need extended to me daily. I don’t want to be the kind of person who says, “Well, I told you so!”. Safe means being real all of the time. Safe means not wearing any kind of mask even if it makes other people uncomfortable because real is always better than fake, even if real is messy, vulnerable, embarassing, shocking, dirty, messy (did I say that already?), un-Christian-like (remember David and Bathsheba and David’s cover-up attempt?!, someone God calls a man after His own heart—go wrap your brain around THAT one!). Basically, if I think it, and I harbor it in my heart, and I talk secretly about it in whispers, then I should also be unashamed to say it here, discuss it there and everywhere—because even if I pretend, God knows the truth. He always knows.

And looking and sounding good and holy to others just doesn’t matter if it’s not real; it just doesn’t, not one squat bit.

So, this is who I am and who I am becoming. A real girl, with flaws and too many words and commas, and too much body fat from eating Klondike bars for lunch. A girl who is still learning how to love Jesus without guile, without shame. A girl who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is (mostly) and is learning to love myself. A safe person that people can trust because they know what they see is what they get and that’s the whole of it. Period.

Up for discussion: What are your thoughts on being a safe person? What would you add to this description I started here? Who are the safe people in your life and what about them makes you feel safe?