with the full-time day job i took up in july, i knew in my bones that the long days would take away from time spent artmaking. i knew it, and i readied myself for it (the best anyone can when they anticipate a big transition) and still, i have gotten the wind knocked out of me, good and hard.
oh, i had all of the talks, all of the philosophical wonderings, said all of my prayers and done up all of the lists of pros and cons and at the end of the day, i knew this to be the right next step for me and my family. but i'd be lying if i said this choice to go back to full-time work wasn't the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
so was making the choice recently, not to go to surtex this year to exhibit, though it has long been my dream. my children are little you see, and after weighing everything and then adding in the hours i also spend working full-time, my heart sank to the bottom of the salty sea when i realized i just couldn't do it. would it sound melodramatic if i told you that it broke my heart, making this choice? it did. in two, at least. and yet, it was the best choice--my children have one mama, one childhood for me and their daddy to fill up with sweet memories--and committing to surtex would gobble up my already meager family time and other resources.
the truth is i am struggling to find a way to do it all--work the day job, be a mama, wife, friend, sister, daughter...and artist. and most of the time these days, i just can't do it all. and it makes me sad. and i am regrouping and pondering the role artmaking has to play in my life in order for me to feel fulfilled and happy. i'm asking myself how to honor the artist that i am and figuring out ways to make myself and my artmaking a priority. i am asking myself if there is anything i can do differently in my everyday life to make more space for the artmaking and writing that are such needed elements in my own well being and joyfulness.
i still have more questions than answers. i still throw myself pity parties. i am still struggling. every. single. day. and i know the answers will come and i am waiting as actively as i can in the midst of the lostness and not knowing what comes next.