with the full-time day job i took up in july, i knew in my bones that the long days would take away from time spent artmaking. i knew it, and i readied myself for it (the best anyone can when they anticipate a big transition) and still, i have gotten the wind knocked out of me, good and hard.
oh, i had all of the talks, all of the philosophical wonderings, said all of my prayers and done up all of the lists of pros and cons and at the end of the day, i knew this to be the right next step for me and my family. but i'd be lying if i said this choice to go back to full-time work wasn't the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
so was making the choice recently, not to go to surtex this year to exhibit, though it has long been my dream. my children are little you see, and after weighing everything and then adding in the hours i also spend working full-time, my heart sank to the bottom of the salty sea when i realized i just couldn't do it. would it sound melodramatic if i told you that it broke my heart, making this choice? it did. in two, at least. and yet, it was the best choice--my children have one mama, one childhood for me and their daddy to fill up with sweet memories--and committing to surtex would gobble up my already meager family time and other resources.
the truth is i am struggling to find a way to do it all--work the day job, be a mama, wife, friend, sister, daughter...and artist. and most of the time these days, i just can't do it all. and it makes me sad. and i am regrouping and pondering the role artmaking has to play in my life in order for me to feel fulfilled and happy. i'm asking myself how to honor the artist that i am and figuring out ways to make myself and my artmaking a priority. i am asking myself if there is anything i can do differently in my everyday life to make more space for the artmaking and writing that are such needed elements in my own well being and joyfulness.
i still have more questions than answers. i still throw myself pity parties. i am still struggling. every. single. day. and i know the answers will come and i am waiting as actively as i can in the midst of the lostness and not knowing what comes next.
Oh Jan can I ever understand.I work full-time at a job where it is thankless. I must for insurance and benefits. My heart is broken every day that I cannot spend it in my studio where creativity is my passion, my love, my everything. I am my fullest as a human being. My reasons are my business is not enough to sustain the means needed. I have tried many different ways and still I am stuck. My family is grown, so that is not my issue. I need my business to grow enough so I can where my passion grows. As a cancer survivor that has indeed suffered and seen the possibility of a life cut short, this is such a dream of mine........
I applaud you, Jan, that you are dealing with this temporary, (I certainly hope) break from daily artmaking, to bring those memories and family moments to your children....You will not regret it. I am cheering you on!
Invite me to your next pity party....I have them myself and they are better shared.
xo,
Alison O'Grady
Sew Bee It Clothier
P.S. Send me your ideas for that super sweet pillow I promised you awhile back! I meant it, girl!
Posted by: Alison O'Grady | November 30, 2015 at 12:47 AM
Me too! I'll come to the party and bring the ice cream! Oh this is such a tough place to be, but also it is wonderful! As a mom with 3 grown children, I can tell you that regret over the things you didn't get to do with them is much worse then the regret of the art you can't make! I cannot even remember all of the ideas I had that I didn't get to try, but I do remember the vacations I couldn't take with my kids and the many ways I had to say no because there wasn't enough. You are an amazing woman living a wholehearted life and I applaud you!!
Posted by: Crystal Neubauer | November 30, 2015 at 04:53 AM
I can completely relate to what you're going through. As a fellow educator, I also struggle so much with prioritizing my art-making. Most of my days in the classroom are long and stress-filled...and many evenings I come home totally drained. I don't feel like doing anything except vegging in front of the TV and resting. While I know my body and mind DO need the rest, I'm trying to spend less time doing that and more time in the studio...but it doesn't always happen.
I have often thought about what it'd be like to have a job that doesn't drain all of the energy out of me every day...but it's so scary to make a change. I've been teaching for over 12 years, and the thought of leaving what I've always known is not easy. I'm still turning over in my mind what it is I want to do.
Prayers and good vibes for you on your journey, friend!
Posted by: Jenny Petricek | November 30, 2015 at 12:57 PM
Here's what I've learned, instead of "doing it all" -- I do what's essential and sometimes that means my connections as a friend are virtual, a text or a handwritten card. Instead of achieving work/life balance, I look for moments of harmony and sometimes those moments are found riding the bus during rush hour traffic with my earphones and my favorite music or watching the dogs play in the yard. Find what works for you. Oh and I sent you a message with a lead that will hopefully provide you with hope :)
Posted by: Neenz Faleafine | November 30, 2015 at 01:37 PM
dear alison,
i pray and hope that 2016 allows you more creative time too. it makes me smile to think of the pillow project!!! perhaps, soon? xo, jan
Posted by: Jan Avellana | January 01, 2016 at 01:35 PM
:) yay! party people! <3 thank you for being one of my biggest cheerleaders in this life. i am so grateful for you. xo
Posted by: Jan Avellana | January 01, 2016 at 01:36 PM
jenny! happy new year! yes, i'm constantly turning things over in my mind too. well, here's to a fresh new year to try! xo
Posted by: Jan Avellana | January 01, 2016 at 01:37 PM
thanks neen, just for always being there. and for wanting good things for me. and for being a friend. xo
Posted by: Jan Avellana | January 01, 2016 at 01:37 PM