Welcome to Hazelnut Cottage’s first series on being a mommy-artist! Yay! I’m about
to break out in hives from the stress of hoping you will like this series, and
truthfully, from hoping you will like ME. So, let’s just begin shall we?
The first and most important thing to remember as you read
the posts in this series is this:
I am not there yet, not as a mom, not as a fledgling artist, not as an Etsy artist.
Noooooooooo. No way, no how. Not by a long shot. In fact, the as I write this
series, I am utterly convicted of my hypocrisy! These posts come out of my own
intense, personal desire not only to maintain the little sanity and balance I
already have, but honestly, to attain sanity! That being said, I invite you to
journey along with me—mom or no, artist or mathmetician—as I figure out my
life, try to live with more integrity (where my insides match my outsides) and
learn to create a life that incorporates creativity and motherhood all at the
same time!
Thought #1: Be Kind to Yourself.
“When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children;
in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of
details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your
children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with
them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves
you because noone has asked in so long. Not even yourself. ” ~Francesca to
Robert, The Bridges of Madison County
My woman’s heart can empathize with Francesca. As mom of two
young sons, I feel the constant tension, the yearning to pursue personal dreams
and longings apart from the ones I have about my family…to paint or write while
in the midst of dismantling a tantrum…There are also times that I feel my heart might burst from joy and from the guilty feeling that I don’t deserve to be a mama when my
son’s chubby hand thrusts hand-picked weeds into mine as he gleefully says,
“This is for you, mama!” With all the feelings of guilt we have over our
passions, it is no wonder that so many of us “stop and stay steady so that
(our) children can move”.
Though the road is not an easy one, and there are definite
choices to be made, I believe we can be loving and present mommies as well as
women with big dreams and thriving artistic pursuits, and perhaps it begins
with simply…being kind to yourself.
This includes, but isn’t limited to, self-care. Being kind
to yourself means doing nice things for yourself on a regular basis without
feeling guilty because you value yourself. It means that you dream your big
dreams and find a way to make them happen—not all at once (sanity,
remember?)—but make no mistake, we make room in our lives to pursue our
passions one heartbeat at a time. And along the way, we lovingly educate our
mates, our children, our community about the fact that we as moms have basic
needs that do not all of a sudden cease to exist once the babies come along and
we teach our families to value our dreams by valuing them ourselves.
Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying, “Determine that the
thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way." I just love this quote. May it be the
banner we carry as we walk though our daily, as moms, as artists, as women.
Being kind to yourself means that you use your “good” bath
gel just because. Being kind to yourself means that you don’t always order the
cheapest thing on the menu, and that it is okay to lock yourself in your room
from time to time. It also means that you practice basic self-care on a daily
basis; a relaxing bath (with candles lit), healthy meals, exercise and enough
down time from your creative work to simply relax and do nothing. One of my
favorite authors, Parker Palmer says about self-care:
“By surviving passages of doubt and depression on the vocational journey, I have become clear about at least one thing: self-care is never a selfish act -- it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do
so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch.”
Some days, as hard as I try, my self-care is atrocious. On
other days, I do much better, but the thing is, to try and try again and to
always keep in mind that you matter; that your feelings, your opinions, your
needs matter and that you are more than an artist, more than a mommy, more than
a housekeeper. You are a woman, created by God out of intentional design, so
you have permission to treat yourself as the precious creation that you are.
On my worst days, I am my own worst-boss-nightmare. Maybe
the the baby needs me more than usual, or I have rush orders to fill, or I have
eight (count ‘em, eight!) loads of laundry to do…or whatever the crisis is at
the moment. I am amazed at how unkind I can be to myself on these chaotic days.
“You’re too busy,” I say to myself, “No lunch until 3pm and that’s only after
you drop off all your orders at the post office.” Yikes.
Let’s face it. If we are going to go about the business
of being our own boss, we may as
well be the nicest, bestest boss that ever walked the planet! And if we’ve made
the wonderful choice to become a mommy, we’d best set ourselves and our
children up for success and joy so that we can go about the important business
of enjoying each other!
Being an indie artist is has many great advantages—but
especially if caring for little babies—also presents some practical everyday
challenges. The constant work, the isolation and lack of social interaction
from working alone, the financially frightening ups and downs, depression, especially with
little ones depending on us, are just a few of the difficulties we learn to
maneuver. Add to that the worries that every artist has from time to
time—working through a difficult piece, exploring new media, preparing for
taxes or simply doing your best to survive an artistic season of drought or a
savage review of our work—and it becomes clearly evident that indie artist moms
are a passionate and courageous bunch, worthy of much encouragement and
support, and yes, kindness.
Things you can do to be kind to yourself:
1. Accept the fact—right now—that
we are all imperfect people. Accept the fact that YOU are one of those
imperfect people. Say to yourself, “You are imperfect. It is okay that you are
imperfect. Just do your best. That is enough.”
2. Promise to treat yourself with kindness and tenderness.
Write it out in big scrolly letters on a pretty sheet of paper or poster board.
Make it BIG. Email me a photo and I’ll see if I can attach it to a later post!
3. Make a schedule for yourself for
the week’s activities. Have regular SANE shop days and hours, Monday through
Friday, or whatever works for you (remember: 24/7 is really only for a 7-11
store and you my friend are not a 7-11). Keep each day realistic and manageable
and be sure to reward yourself with nice treats (pedicures, or a new book are
two non-calorie ideas!) just for putting forth effort.
4. Ask for and accept all the help
you can get. Ask God, ask your husband, ask your children, ask your next door
neighbor, ask your mother, ask your best friend. And when they say “Why yes,
I’d love to!” learn to smile and say, “Thank you so much!”
5. Realize that you cannot do
everything perfectly and with complete passion at the same time. You cannot be
a 100% engaged mama, a 100% focused artist, a 100% available spouse, a 100%
housekeeper and cook, all at the same exact moment and still maintain sanity.
It is impossible. You can have everything you want from this life, but not at
the same time. Make healthy choices. Learn to say “No” to the so-so stuff, so
that you can be free to say “Yes” to the important stuff. (Much more on this
later…)
6. Do everything in your power to
get enough quality sleep. Change your sheets, get a new pillow, buy a new bed
if you have to; be willing to step out and take action to get a good night’s
sleep, because let me tell you—from one sleep-deprived-mommy-artist to
another—a good night’s sleep makes a world of difference in who you will be all
the day long! Grrr!
The happy result of all this kindness and self-care isn’t
just a whole lot of selfishness, so not to worry. No.What you will be is healthy and alive (and alright,
let’s admit it…way less grouchy) to care for your family with love and with
joy. It has often been said that we cannot give what we do not have, so to fill our own reserves is not only wise, but loving for all involved, including
yourself. And above all, pour
heaps of grace on yourself.
How do you as a mom, as an artist practice self-care and
kindness? Click on the “comments” link below to post your thoughts here! Everyone is warmly welcome to join our community!
Next Week Monday: Know What is Important to You (Defining
Your Core Values)
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