Jan Avellana | Hazelnut Cottage

the indie artist’s guide to maintaining sanity: thought #5 — depression

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus

(First off, a confession: It has been nearly 9 months since I wrote the last of the posts that was supposed to be a 10 part series posting every single Monday for 10 weeks…oops! Maybe it was the stress of having to post something regularly…more likely the issue of depression was difficult for me to write about and so…I didn’t. but today is a fresh start and i’ve the feeling to finish this indie artist guide, so let’s!)

depression. i struggle with this…do you? i will be the first to say that i’m no expert on subject. all i can do is share my own experiences with you as openly as i know how and in that sharing, i hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this.

for me, it comes and goes, most often without warning. sometimes i get a fleeting sense of unease and melancholy that washes over me—sometimes just a few minutes or an hour, at other times, days and weeks—leaving me without hope and dark; somehow cut off from a sense of connectedness to everything and everyone. it’s like emotion has been drained out of me and i feel utterly alone, so i isolate myself so that i don’t have to be constantly reminded that i am disconnected. in this way, my depression feeds itself when it comes alive because being with family and friends makes the feelings of separateness even more pronounced. the huge gap between what i KNOW i should feel and how i actually DO feel leads to a thick layer of guilt and shame on top of the depression; guilt and shame that i am hurting my family by being depressed, that i have little control over my depression and that it is my fault for suffering from depression.

i am fortunate in that my depressive episodes have been mild enough to manage on my own. i realize this isn’t the case for everybody. in severe/chronic cases of depression, i have witnessed first hand the remarkable recovery and resiliency of the human spirit when properly treated. so, by all means i do whatever is necessary to treat depression, because it is treatable and there is hope!

for myself, i have learned how to cope over the years and i find that certain things help keep depression at bay and help alleviate it’s intensity in my life:

1. honesty and self-acceptance: when i feel a depressive episode coming on, i have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for the things that i do have control over. i cannot let myself be in denial about my depression because i find that i am able to manage it best when i deal with it early on.
2. community: this is a hard one. i have to force myself—yes, i said force myself—to tell my village of “safe people” how i am feeling and to surround myself with those who love me unconditionally. i find that i must stay in close contact with my family, with my closest friends. i have to force myself to make that call, have that outing, play with my children…for me i’ve found that staying connected to others gives me strength and robs my depression of some of it’s power.
3. God: these are the times i must draw close to to the Father. despite my feelings, it helps me to keep a journal, to pray to read. i know that if i do, my feelings will pass more quickly than if i try to handle everything on my own. i simply can’t shoulder all of life’s burdens and when i admit this to God who already knows, He carries me. it doesn’t always happen immediately, but in time, there is relief and peace in His arms.
4. Exercise: fresh air, a long walk, time in the sun and definitely time at the beach. although it may not seem to help much at first and the outing may indeed be painful, getting outdoors really does help clear the air and often helps me press the reset button.
5. Sleep: enough sleep, but not too much. up with the alarm, dressed in some favorite feel good clothes with make up and hair done, whether or not i feel like it. period. no schlepping around in my favorite white nightie all the day long.
6. Kindness: more than usual i have to practice managing my inner dialogue and not allow negativity and critical self-talk to take hold. “…and we take every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” ~2 cor 10:5, niv.
7. Art: it doesn’t matter what i put my hands to, it does matter that i do it. this is not the kind of art i have to put a price tag on, put up for sale in my etsy shop or worry about making something custom for someone. artmaking during depressive episodes is purely for play; something that won’t lead to frustration or disappointment. set a timer if you’re really having a hard time getting into the studio and promise yourself a treat afterwards.
8. fan hope into flame: read things that are inspirational, do things that make you feel healthy, joyful and good. if you feel laughter coming on, go with it; don’t fight the good feelings. laughter is the most powerful of remedies; a natural cure if there ever was one.
9. ask for help: ask for help along the way, and surely ask for help if you don’t seem to be able to manage your depression by yourself. this is part of being kind to yourself. you do not need to suffer through this life…hugs to you from someone who understands…get help if you need it.

what are your personal experiences with depression? what role does art play in overcoming depression? share your story here and know that there is tender power in authenticity…

next week??? (or possibly, months from today): motherhood.

The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity, Thought #4: Seek Joy, Not Comfort.

Thought #4: Seek Joy, Not Comfort

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Whoa.

Oh how the desire for comfort consumes most of us, for much of our lives. As a harried and often overwhelmed mommy artist wanna-be of two little boys, I often find myself doing what is easier right now, rather than doing what is better and what will lead to joy. How many times have we taken the “easier” path because it was “harder” and less comfortable to do the right, the healthier-and-better-for-me-in-the-long-run thing. Not that comfort in and of itself is necessarily “bad”, but when comfort becomes the main goal, when we seek comfort at the expense of our values, ourselves, our beliefs, then it might just be time to re-think comfort’s role in our lives.

How many times have we compromised our integrity, our own healthy sense of self-love and personal values in order that we could be just nice instead of nicely honest and so as not to rock the boat? Maybe too many times to count. Maybe a lot less over the years. Maybe, for some of us, almost never or for others of us, maybe we do this everyday.

The thing is, ask yourself “Where am I, with this today?” and then allow an honest answer to surface.

What if instead of just being comfortable, we make choices today that will help us live out loud and with rightness in mind? What if we chose things—starting today—that are healthier but maybe less comfortable choices; tidying up as we go along, taking that 1 hour walk, sleeping that extra hour earlier, telling a friend how we really feel instead of just trying to say the “right, nice” thing, calling our parents just to talk, saying “No, but thanks anyway” more often. What if we lived like we really believe God loves us immeasurably? What if we lived to experience joy, a deep, abiding sense of gladness that isn’t based on circumstances—and not only to experience that joy, but to bring that joy to God, to our friends and families and to the needful stranger?

What if we said “I’m sorry” and wrote that letter, and leveled with ourselves and our loved ones about who we are, who we are becoming and what our needs really are? What if we said truthful things, in love…“I am disappointed…I am angry…I am depressed…I am proud of you…I am emotionally needy right now…I need a break…We need help with our marriage…” What if we talked to God about everything that is in our hearts as if he already knew (he does :), and if we were just finally able to admit these revelations to ourselves?

What if we told ourselves the truth, without flinching?

And so what if we centered our lives around living boldly as if it really were our last day, our last hour here, seeking joy and not just comfort?

And how would this inform your artlife? Would you allow yourself to try that new media you’ve always thought about? Would you go ahead and seek out galleries for that show you’ve dreamt about doing? Would you risk submitting that story, or writing that poem or singing that song? Would you stop thinking about creating and just create already? I know I would...

Consider that our lives are made up of tiny little decisions (and big ones) that we make all the day long. Imagine if just for today, we made every choice mindfully, choosing joy over comfort. I wonder, what would our lives look like? I wonder what my life would look like. I wonder…do you?

Next Week Monday: About depression.

The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity, Thought #3: Embrace Change.

Thought #3: Embrace Change.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  ~Anatole Franc

Isn’t it funny how a part of us longs to be different, to grow, to change, to be the best version of ourselves we can possibly be? And yet, so much of us wishes to remain the same…not have to give up our comfort, our habits, our old ways of doing and being in the world. It’s as if we want both things at the same time; we want to be the butterfly without having to go through the cocoon stage of metamorphosis.

I know this is often the case in my life.

I find that I usually resist change out of fear. Maybe it’s the same for all of us. Perhaps there are parts of significant parts that we keep hidden so that we appear likeable and acceptable among friends, and loveable and perfect for our mate. Perhaps we remain in unhappy (okay, miserable) jobs, or relationships or what-have-you situations because the risk of stepping into the unknown is worse, or it would be so much work and hardship and staying where we are and the way we are is so much…well…easier and more comfortable in a way…and so we stay. We stay put, we stay nice and likeable, we stay unchanged and soon we are unchangeable, our hearts partly deadened to the passions and opportunities we once believed were possible. Sometimes, there seems to be good reasons for keeping change at bay; perhaps the risk is too great, the children are too young, the art too unprofitable, the relationship to new or too good to mess with.

All these things may have some truth in them, to be sure. But in our quiet hearts, when we stop to listen to what we have to say to ourselves, the voice is loud and clear. “Go for marriage counseling,” it says unashamedly…“Paint that picture, sing that song,” it says boldly…“Be honest with yourself, be honest with him,” the voice will encourage, “Set a real example for your children, not a carefully faked one,” it pleads honestly.

In my own life, one of the saddest revelations I have made, is that time goes on, whether or not we chance it. The fact that we choose not to make a deliberate choice in matters at hand—is still—a choice. And a year, or two or ten goes by and what we have laid out before us is our life…a life full of the choices we have made, full of chances not taken and a self-unknown.

And we know (boy do we know), even though we’d rather not go there…you know?

As Andy Dufresne said to Red so eloquently in The Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

The road we have traveled is behind us. We can (and it is good to) grieve over the lost years (I have and still do), mourn the wasted opportunities, the chance to say “Yes” to life, to ourselves, to God. And this is necessary and in time, will help to bring healing.

But there is more. There is the road that lays before us, right this very day. Full of opportunities for us to try something new, to be more real with ourselves, our loved ones…to live authentically as artists and as people. We have this day to speak what it is we really need to say (not just what they want to hear), to make the art that is asking to be made without thought to how it will be received. Yes, things may be different. It may get dicey for a while, life may get harder and worse instead of easier and better for a while. That’s okay…growing is hard work and sometimes, painful. Dare to live a more authentic life, dare to really, really live today (‘cause gonna be a long time until those babies are grown, let me tell you, and there’s a lotta living and a lotta artmaking to do in between now and then!) ;) Embrace change!

What healthy, good changes have you been resisting in your life? What’s been holding you back?

Next Week Monday: Seek Joy, Not Comfort.

The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity, Thought #2: Know What Is Important to You (Defining Your Core Values).

Thought #2: Know What is Important to You (Defining Your Core Values)

Etsy Mom, Jan Avellana here, at Hazelnut Cottage ;) Welcome to Thought #2 in our ten part series, “The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity”! When was the last time you really sat down and in solitude, gave this some thought? When we understand the “big picture” of who we are and what we value, it helps us make the little every day choices and in the end we create a meaningful and rich life for ourselves and our families. And, it can help maintain sanity because you are not constantly waffling trying to please everyone. (Not that this describes any of US!)

To begin, ask yourself, “What are my core values? Who and what are the people, beliefs, ideas, things and experiences that I honestly hold most dear?” if you are stuck, this link contains a list of values (http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/list-of-values.htm) that might help you in creating your own personal list.

Chris Guileebeau’s site really says all of it better than I could, so for much more on this topic (and other neat resources), try going to his site.

Now, for some of us, this is exciting! For others, reflecting on what is truly important to us, and then looking at how our daily lives line up with our core values can reveal things we’d rather not deal with. Perhaps in this season you are so overwhelmed with life, and in your attempts just to make it through each day you’ve allowed yourself to slip into some unhealthy coping mechanisms that don’t reflect your true values and you’d really rather not go “there”. Fear not.

Today you get to start fresh.  (And the truth is, every moment is a chance to start fresh!)

Pencil and Paper Time: Things to remember…this is the way I’ve devised that works for me. You may find that this is too structured for you…or, not structured enough. This space is for YOU, to encourage you to live a thoughtful, deliberately chosen life, so feel free to do what works for YOU.

1. Okay, start by listing your top ten values (I know ten sounds like a lot, but trust me, once you get started, it will be hard to narrow down your life to just ten!), the people, beliefs, ideas, things and experiences that you honestly hold most dear and find yourself—at least striving to—live out every day. You may not live these values out perfectly; no one does. But this is where we start. As you grow and change, so will your list. Make a commitment to invest in yourself for one guilt free hour today and have fun with it, then share your heart with us! Here are mine:

Jan’s Core Values:

• Value 1: God and People Instead of Things
• Value 2: Encouraging Others
• Value 3: Authenticity
• Value 4: Time and Experiences
• Value 5: Deep Relationships
• Value 6: Bravery Over Comfort
• Value 7: Living with Passion
• Value 8: Home
• Value 9: Truth and Kindness
• Value 10: Meaningful Creative Work that Has the Power to Transform Others

2. Now, write a statement—a paragraph—that shows what living out your values looks like. To do this, I simply chose to write “I will” statements, showing my intent to live out these values:

        V1. Each morning when I awake I will connect with my Father, expressing gratefulness and a renew my joy in my life’s choices to be a work at home mom, so that I can spend as much time mama-ing my wee ones. V2. I will express love for my family and the people I encounter today by enjoying them in the moment, by giving them my attention, quantity and quality of time, love and encouragement. I will express self-love by practicing kindness and good self-care. V3. I will  encourage others by being authentic—real and honest with myself and with others—about my fears, my failures, my successes, my hopes, my dreams, my preferences, my needs. V4/V5. I will live a life that is simple, a life that is not about accumulating things or pleasing people, one that allows me time to enjoy being a mom, to enjoy making art, to revel in being alive and enjoy deep and intimate relationships. V6/V7. I will choose bravery, healthy risks, and passion for life, over comfort. V8. I will create a warm, welcoming home for myself and my family and friends that celebrates beauty, safety and a respite from the world. V9. I will strive to speak words of truth and kindness to everyone I meet, that I may pour out as much grace on others as God has lavished on me. V10. I will live my life with passion and realness so that I might be used to inspire and transform others and be a light to help them discover the life God has for them in Jesus.

Now, the truth is, I live out my values in a sporadic, inconsistent manner. For most of us, we may find—that in the beginning at least—that we aren’t living out the values we profess very well at all. Remember dear woman, life is not about perfection, but about the living, the trying, the failing and the rising up to try again. We are all works in process, in progress and so too, our lives. The thing is to do the work of knowing what we really want to be about and then chart our course from there! For others of us, we may find that our statement affirms that we are indeed living our best lives. Hooray! Either way, celebrate the fact that you are alive today, right now and let us begin anew, in this moment, shall we?

May your statement help guide us as we journey through our lives and the myriad of decisions that govern our day, from the mundane to the truly risky. This is an exercise in helping us know what we want to be about and there are clues and rich lessons gained simply by going through this process of reflection. I pray that our personal statements would be “a light, when all others fail” (a quote from Galadriel to Frodo). When we get lost, may it be a compass to help point the way back to ourselves, the way back home.

What are you about? Grab a cuppa cocoa and tell us! Share your list of values and your statements here! ALL are warmly welcome to join our community!

Next Week Monday: Embrace Change.

The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity Thought #1: Be Kind to Yourself.

Welcome to Hazelnut Cottage’s first series on being a mommy-artist! Yay! I’m about to break out in hives from the stress of hoping you will like this series, and truthfully, from hoping you will like ME. So, let’s just begin shall we?

The first and most important thing to remember as you read the posts in this series is this:  I am not there yet, not as a mom, not as a fledgling artist, not as an Etsy artist. Noooooooooo. No way, no how. Not by a long shot. In fact, the as I write this series, I am utterly convicted of my hypocrisy! These posts come out of my own intense, personal desire not only to maintain the little sanity and balance I already have, but honestly, to attain sanity! That being said, I invite you to journey along with me—mom or no, artist or mathmetician—as I figure out my life, try to live with more integrity (where my insides match my outsides) and learn to create a life that incorporates creativity and motherhood all at the same time!

Thought #1: Be Kind to Yourself.

“When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because noone has asked in so long. Not even yourself. ” ~Francesca to Robert, The Bridges of Madison County

My woman’s heart can empathize with Francesca. As mom of two young sons, I feel the constant tension, the yearning to pursue personal dreams and longings apart from the ones I have about my family…to paint or write while in the midst of dismantling a tantrum…There are also times that I feel my heart might burst from joy and from the guilty feeling that I don’t deserve to be a mama when my son’s chubby hand thrusts hand-picked weeds into mine as he gleefully says, “This is for you, mama!” With all the feelings of guilt we have over our passions, it is no wonder that so many of us “stop and stay steady so that (our) children can move”.

Though the road is not an easy one, and there are definite choices to be made, I believe we can be loving and present mommies as well as women with big dreams and thriving artistic pursuits, and perhaps it begins with simply…being kind to yourself.

This includes, but isn’t limited to, self-care. Being kind to yourself means doing nice things for yourself on a regular basis without feeling guilty because you value yourself. It means that you dream your big dreams and find a way to make them happen—not all at once (sanity, remember?)—but make no mistake, we make room in our lives to pursue our passions one heartbeat at a time. And along the way, we lovingly educate our mates, our children, our community about the fact that we as moms have basic needs that do not all of a sudden cease to exist once the babies come along and we teach our families to value our dreams by valuing them ourselves.

Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying, “Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way."  I just love this quote. May it be the banner we carry as we walk though our daily, as moms, as artists, as women.

Being kind to yourself means that you use your “good” bath gel just because. Being kind to yourself means that you don’t always order the cheapest thing on the menu, and that it is okay to lock yourself in your room from time to time. It also means that you practice basic self-care on a daily basis; a relaxing bath (with candles lit), healthy meals, exercise and enough down time from your creative work to simply relax and do nothing. One of my favorite authors, Parker Palmer says about self-care:

“By surviving passages of doubt and depression on the vocational journey, I have become clear about at least one thing: self-care is never a selfish act -- it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch.”

Some days, as hard as I try, my self-care is atrocious. On other days, I do much better, but the thing is, to try and try again and to always keep in mind that you matter; that your feelings, your opinions, your needs matter and that you are more than an artist, more than a mommy, more than a housekeeper. You are a woman, created by God out of intentional design, so you have permission to treat yourself as the precious creation that you are.

On my worst days, I am my own worst-boss-nightmare. Maybe the the baby needs me more than usual, or I have rush orders to fill, or I have eight (count ‘em, eight!) loads of laundry to do…or whatever the crisis is at the moment. I am amazed at how unkind I can be to myself on these chaotic days. “You’re too busy,” I say to myself, “No lunch until 3pm and that’s only after you drop off all your orders at the post office.” Yikes.

Let’s face it. If we are going to go about the business of  being our own boss, we may as well be the nicest, bestest boss that ever walked the planet! And if we’ve made the wonderful choice to become a mommy, we’d best set ourselves and our children up for success and joy so that we can go about the important business of enjoying each other!

Being an indie artist is has many great advantages—but especially if caring for little babies—also presents some practical everyday challenges. The constant work, the isolation and lack of social interaction from working alone, the financially frightening ups and downs, depression, especially with little ones depending on us, are just a few of the difficulties we learn to maneuver. Add to that the worries that every artist has from time to time—working through a difficult piece, exploring new media, preparing for taxes or simply doing your best to survive an artistic season of drought or a savage review of our work—and it becomes clearly evident that indie artist moms are a passionate and courageous bunch, worthy of much encouragement and support, and yes, kindness.

Things you can do to be kind to yourself:

1. Accept the fact—right now—that we are all imperfect people. Accept the fact that YOU are one of those imperfect people. Say to yourself, “You are imperfect. It is okay that you are imperfect. Just do your best. That is enough.”

2. Promise to treat yourself with kindness and tenderness. Write it out in big scrolly letters on a pretty sheet of paper or poster board. Make it BIG. Email me a photo and I’ll see if I can attach it to a later post!

3. Make a schedule for yourself for the week’s activities. Have regular SANE shop days and hours, Monday through Friday, or whatever works for you (remember: 24/7 is really only for a 7-11 store and you my friend are not a 7-11). Keep each day realistic and manageable and be sure to reward yourself with nice treats (pedicures, or a new book are two non-calorie ideas!) just for putting forth effort.

4. Ask for and accept all the help you can get. Ask God, ask your husband, ask your children, ask your next door neighbor, ask your mother, ask your best friend. And when they say “Why yes, I’d love to!” learn to smile and say, “Thank you so much!”

5. Realize that you cannot do everything perfectly and with complete passion at the same time. You cannot be a 100% engaged mama, a 100% focused artist, a 100% available spouse, a 100% housekeeper and cook, all at the same exact moment and still maintain sanity. It is impossible. You can have everything you want from this life, but not at the same time. Make healthy choices. Learn to say “No” to the so-so stuff, so that you can be free to say “Yes” to the important stuff. (Much more on this later…)

6. Do everything in your power to get enough quality sleep. Change your sheets, get a new pillow, buy a new bed if you have to; be willing to step out and take action to get a good night’s sleep, because let me tell you—from one sleep-deprived-mommy-artist to another—a good night’s sleep makes a world of difference in who you will be all the day long! Grrr!

The happy result of all this kindness and self-care isn’t just a whole lot of selfishness, so not to worry. No.What you will be is healthy and alive (and alright, let’s admit it…way less grouchy) to care for your family with love and with joy. It has often been said that we cannot give what we do not have, so to fill our own reserves is not only wise, but loving for all involved, including yourself.  And above all, pour heaps of grace on yourself.

How do you as a mom, as an artist practice self-care and kindness? Click on the “comments” link below to post your thoughts here! Everyone is warmly welcome to join our community!

Next Week Monday: Know What is Important to You (Defining Your Core Values)

Hazelnut Cottage Presents: The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity

Do you love your babies, yet, at the same time, yearn to sometimes be left ALL ALONE to create a mess that you won’t have to clean up immediately afterwards? Do you despair over your messy house, the piles and piles of clean (or dirty) laundry that don’t ever seem to make it do the drawers or into the closet (let alone the ironing board)? Do you feel guilty, feel divided, torn in two, three or more directions every day of your life, because of guilt over your choices, over how much MORE you could get done, over the question of whether or not you should get a “real” day job? Do you sometimes feel depressed, either by the sheer volume of all that threatens to overwhelm you (think: dirty dishes) or by boredom and sadness over all that you’ve somehow let slip away...the realization that you’ve somehow lost yourself during these mommyhood baby, artmaking years?  If any of these apply to you, then this series is for you!

As a mother of two little ones, and an indie artist on Etsy, I find that attempting to find balance—while living this indie life—is somewhat unattainable and definitely overwhelming at times. (The only times I don’t feel this way is when the shop is slow, and then I’m stressed about finances!!!) So, for all you indie artists out there who are trailblazing your own paths on this journey of motherhood and creative, artistic living, this series is for you! Not that I have any real answers, mind you, nor do I have loads of new and profound insights…what I hope this series will hold for you is encouragement, and simple reminders that you probably already know this stuff and are wiser and stronger than you think you are!

Each Monday (if I can manage to be that organized) I will be posting a new section in this series entitled, “The Indie Artist/Etsy Mom’s Guide to Maintaining Sanity”. Then, at the end of the series, I plan to make a free, downloadable poster available for you to print out and keep in your studio, as an encouragement to all you indie artist moms out there!

Enjoy! :)