Jan Avellana | Hazelnut Cottage

a brand new season!

dear friends,

where or where do i even begin? i am finally coming out of a wintery season, a time where everything was laid bare and me, stripped nearly down to the bones from it all. i am almost afraid to write about all of the goodness that is unfolding here, for fear of jinxing it somehow...do you know what i mean?

but i know God is always good and for the first time in a very long time, i can feel His joy! i survived and am now, thankfully, thriving :)!

my dear, sweet friend trish seggebruch gifted me with art coaching lessons from lesley riley of artist success, and i am not exaggerating when i say that these women are changing my life! at lesley’s encouragement, i’ve chosen to fall headlong into the digital art i have so long resisted (epic story) and really let myself try. i am still in a season of testing the waters so to speak, but i am learning to embrace that fact that i will always be a work in progress—and so will my art—so i’d better not wait until i’m ready because there will never be a perfect time to start trying and living, so here i go!

my new website!

there is all fresh new artwork in the galleries, artwork for children of all ages...here are a few that would like to meet you!

{ children's alphabet art :: g is for giraffe :: © jan avellana }

and my really, fresh out of the womb babies! meet the nightmirrors TM...monsters on parade TM! these pieces are inspired by my children. my youngest has frequent “nightmirrors”, as he calls them, and so, these were born from his dreams...

stay tuned to see if i can finish the alphabet! let new monsters emerge and leap tall buildings in a single bound! hah.

happy 8th birthday seth :)

{april 29, 2004}

dear seth,

we love to tell you that you were once as big as a grain of rice, and then when we finally brought you home, as big as a loaf of bread. you smile incredulously at the thought of that. you love to hear about the day you were born and how dad and i went swimming at the pool the day before you were born, and how i felt my first contraction in the water. it felt like a tiny pinch. and then, a few minutes later, another.

i remember how FREAKED OUT your dad was when i told him i was in early labor. he didn’t believe me as i calmly had him help me change all the sheets on our bed and tidy up before leaving for the hospital and how FREAKED OUT your dad was 24 hours later when the doctor said i was ready to deliver—“SHE’S READY TO DELIVER ALREADY?!”

they put you on my chest so that i could meet you for the very first time and after we spent some time bonding, they wrapped you up in that soft blanket and put that tiny little cap on your head and placed you gently in your daddy’s arms. and then, he wasn’t freaked out anymore—he was in love—with you, as was i. since that very moment we have not ever been the same.

you survived our ineptitude and our trial and error first time parenting and we survived nearly 2 years of your sleeplessness and countless hours upon hours of crying. you were the most awake baby i ever heard of and to this day you don’t want to miss out on anything. we are seeing each other through this life, you, your brother and dad and i, we are and learning to live with grace and patience and love together.

i cannot believe you are 8. you are such a sweet, bright and kind little boy and we are so very proud of you, so very, very proud to be your mom and dad. you and your brother make me want to be the best human being i can possibly be. i love you something fierce.

love,

your mama

15% OFF hand stamped mommy jewelry and hand stamped necklaces at hazelnut cottage!

{ blossom mother’s day necklace }

sale at the shop, now until april 21st! 15% off everything in the shop—including artwork—AND free shipping on all jewelry orders! this is the last sale until after mother’s day, so come and get it while the gettin’s good! last day to place an order in time for mother’s day gift giving is weds. april 25th! :)

here are a few other pretties for sale:

{ custom baby & mommy necklace }

and if you’re looking for something that doesn’t scream “MOMMY!!!”, you might like these:

{ one-of-a-kind heart charm bracelet }

{ reflections charm necklace }

{ the sweetest days pearl necklace }

something for moms of all walks of life at the hazelnut cottage shop, or maybe just pick up something pretty for yourself! :)

 

my baby is 5 today.

{ cody :: november 2006, about one week old }

dear cody,

mama’s baby...you are turning 5 years old today. how did the time go by so fast? i must've taken hundreds of pictures of you as a baby, but why oh why didn’t i take more? if i had known then that they only way to 'freeze' you as a baby was through pictures, and that i really would forget all those magical (and not so magical) in between moments, i would have surely taken thousands upon thousands of photos of your sweet face.

you were such a quiet baby, rarely ever fussed, rarely ever cried for a thing. i would always tell you, “it’s okay to cry and ask for what you need.” i remember that i would have to make a thoughtful effort to pick you up and snuggle with you just to bond; you were so content to sit or lie by yourself, play by yourself, and then fall quietly to sleep, all by yourself! imagine a baby who fusses for milk, and then falls asleep eating! imagine a baby who fusses to be carried, then actually stops crying! imagine a baby who falls asleep all by himself...that was you!  (never has there been such a stark contrast between brothers!)

of course, now, you are making up for all that quietness with 24-7 talking, question asking, laughing, fussing, singing and your vintage sesame street skits with your brother! you crack us up every single day cody; we don’t know where you get your material!

where oh, where would i be without you and your brother?! i, who was quite certain i didn’t want to be a mama. (shows you just how much i think i know!!!)

thank you for making me a mama again, one last time. thank you for telling me that God looks like pink sprinkles. thank you for adding your laughter to our family, my little eggy. your dada, your babu (cody-speak for brother) and your mama love you something fierce.

xoxo

the bumpy road of an indie artist mom.

i am in the throes of transition here...and because of this, i have been hiding my deepest thoughts and feelings from this blog—the place that has always been just for me and you—a place we can be real and safe and imperfect and messy. over the 4 years i’ve been keeping this here blog, i somehow i got and believed the message that i’m not supposed to talk about the hard, messy stuff until i was over it—through it—if you know what i mean, and on the other side.

but the in between spaces of our lives last a long time sometimes, and what i’ve been waiting and waiting to do is to get to the 'other side' so that i could talk about it with all of you.

well, i’ve just about decided i’m over it. in this space right here between you and me is the space we can feel loved while we are in the process of becoming…yes, even the awkward 1-step-forward-2-steps-back kind of places, even the places of shame and embarassment and failure and pain that we haven’t quite moved through yet. this is the place, right here, right now. no more waiting.

you know?

so what’s really been going on over here is that i just began a new job last week. a new job from an old career that i left behind seven years ago when my oldest son was born. i am teaching again, but just part-time and just at a temporary post until christmas break. the time i spent teaching was bittersweet; i found out how much i enjoyed working with the children—and thankfully, still do, but the rest of it stretched me beyond my God-given giftings and make-up. through the challenges, a funny thing happened, though. i was able to reclaim the fact that i was and am an artist and it’s been a long road back ever since.

i am learning to live with my heart and hands wide open. i am learning to live on my knees. i am learning to trust God even in the inbetween spaces of becoming when i am neither confident nor elegant nor. i am learning that i love who i am, that i love my life as an artist, and that i have a deep passion for encouraging others.

i never thought i’d be teaching again, even just part-time for a few months. it’s amazing the things God will redeem in our lives if we are open to Him. i have no idea how this is all going to work, especially with my new shop opening in just a few weeks, so please bear with me. i’m bound to make all kinds of mistakes and look quite silly in my feeble first attempts at making these transitions in my life. (make sure to tell me if i have a trail of toilet paper sticking to my shoe, please!)

hugs for the journey,

the last day of summer vacation 2011.

 
  ...here’s to a sweet new school year...you are growing so quickly, my babies, my boys...you are growing so fast....xoxo

the monumental daily feat of getting into the studio.

{ studio visitor | baby bear }

sometimes i am too hard on myself, bemoaning the snail’s pace that i take to accomplish even one finished piece, when really, i need to give myself credit for just getting into the studio at all. with two little munchkins underfoot, one at school all day and one home with me most of the week, with breakfast, and lunch and the subsequent kitchen mess and dishes to clean, the cat to feed and water (and clean up after...she’s an old girl, and well, that’s whole other story). and then there is the getting ready, dropping off, picking up routine, the naptime, the wake-up-hurry-up-we-have-to-go-get-your-brother-oh-darn-it-just-started-to-pour-where's-your-jacket? routine. oh, and add to that the jewelry orders, invoicing, packing, shipping, dinner, bath, dinner dishes, loads of wash, toilets, hello-how-was-your-day-husband, bedtime routine and last hugs, snuggles, kisses, and the inevitable, but-i-want-you-to-put-me-to-bed-tonights-mama, it really is a wonder that i get in here to play, to dream, to wish and make art at all.

oh, don’t get me wrong, now. i love my family. i really do. i love my work too. just sayin’.

farewell and hello.

{ farewell. | mixed-media on canvas, 8 x 10 }

i’ve been out of sorts lately, with so much going on behind the scenes here. you see, my littlest one has started preschool and i am just a bit lost without my little buddy around. oh, i know in time these “free” hours—so longed for at times—will grow on me and i will wonder what the fuss is all about. but for now, it feels like goodbye. goodbye to my infant, my baby, my toddler who is now a big boy with more of his own happy life. this is a good and necessary step for him, i know. but you see, he is my last one, of this i am quite sure, and all of a sudden i feel so depressed to know there will not be tiny little ones of mine around here underfoot, all the day long. i’m just sad, you know?

and yet, i realize that farewells are also hello’s. hello quiet daylight, studio time. hello time to paint and plaster and sculpt. hello to “tell mama all about your day” and then listening to the stories that come bubbling out of my little one’s lips. hello to afterschool hugs and trips for afterschool treats at the corner store. hello to new tiny friends and to new mommy friends too. hello to this new season, that has yet to wear comfortably.

hello.

happy birthday cody!

dear cody,
i cannot believe that you are turning 4 today! i can’t believe you’ve been with us for only 4 years because we can’t remember a time without you. i remember how you liked the coziness of being inside of me, how i couldn’t stand not knowing if you’d be safe in there and not meeting you, so we had you induced 4 days past my due date. i remember how you took alllllll day to get ready to meet us, and then how all of a sudden you decided you were ready and popped out! i remember how you hardly ever cried as a baby, how contented you were to eat and sleep, how you loved to sit all snuggled up in your carseat and watch the world go by. i remember how i had to tell you that it was okay to have needs, that it was okay to cry and how i had to remember to pick you up just to hold you sometimes since you rarely squawked for much.

and then slowly you began to grow and change. and over time you became a rambunctious, wordy, loud, silly (oh, so silly!) toddler with huge opinions and a sensitive heart that feels things deeply and remembers real and imagined hurts with the memory of an elephant. so far, you have sent us to the emergency room twice and one call to the poison control center—thankfully, all of these adventures were false alarms, but you worry us anyway with your daredevil ways and sense of reckless abandon!

will you remember the time you “helped yourself” to the chef’s knife from the utensil drawer so that you could play “swords” in your diaper? will you remember the times you snuck treats out of the pantry to go enjoy them all by yourself under the dining room table? will you remember how you danced on the glass topped table like a dancer from “lord of the dance” while i had my back turned to you, busy washing dishes? will you remember that you want to be a prince and then an ice cream maker (in that order) and that you told me that our cat sarai had something glorious inside of her? will you remember that you told me God looks like pink sprinkles and that He told you that yes, you could help yourself to that apple in the fridge? i will remember, i’m sure of it!

oh, happy birthday my sweet cody. how we all love you so.

love,
your mama

the indie artist’s guide to maintaining sanity: thought #5 — depression

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus

(First off, a confession: It has been nearly 9 months since I wrote the last of the posts that was supposed to be a 10 part series posting every single Monday for 10 weeks…oops! Maybe it was the stress of having to post something regularly…more likely the issue of depression was difficult for me to write about and so…I didn’t. but today is a fresh start and i’ve the feeling to finish this indie artist guide, so let’s!)

depression. i struggle with this…do you? i will be the first to say that i’m no expert on subject. all i can do is share my own experiences with you as openly as i know how and in that sharing, i hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this.

for me, it comes and goes, most often without warning. sometimes i get a fleeting sense of unease and melancholy that washes over me—sometimes just a few minutes or an hour, at other times, days and weeks—leaving me without hope and dark; somehow cut off from a sense of connectedness to everything and everyone. it’s like emotion has been drained out of me and i feel utterly alone, so i isolate myself so that i don’t have to be constantly reminded that i am disconnected. in this way, my depression feeds itself when it comes alive because being with family and friends makes the feelings of separateness even more pronounced. the huge gap between what i KNOW i should feel and how i actually DO feel leads to a thick layer of guilt and shame on top of the depression; guilt and shame that i am hurting my family by being depressed, that i have little control over my depression and that it is my fault for suffering from depression.

i am fortunate in that my depressive episodes have been mild enough to manage on my own. i realize this isn’t the case for everybody. in severe/chronic cases of depression, i have witnessed first hand the remarkable recovery and resiliency of the human spirit when properly treated. so, by all means i do whatever is necessary to treat depression, because it is treatable and there is hope!

for myself, i have learned how to cope over the years and i find that certain things help keep depression at bay and help alleviate it’s intensity in my life:

1. honesty and self-acceptance: when i feel a depressive episode coming on, i have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for the things that i do have control over. i cannot let myself be in denial about my depression because i find that i am able to manage it best when i deal with it early on.
2. community: this is a hard one. i have to force myself—yes, i said force myself—to tell my village of “safe people” how i am feeling and to surround myself with those who love me unconditionally. i find that i must stay in close contact with my family, with my closest friends. i have to force myself to make that call, have that outing, play with my children…for me i’ve found that staying connected to others gives me strength and robs my depression of some of it’s power.
3. God: these are the times i must draw close to to the Father. despite my feelings, it helps me to keep a journal, to pray to read. i know that if i do, my feelings will pass more quickly than if i try to handle everything on my own. i simply can’t shoulder all of life’s burdens and when i admit this to God who already knows, He carries me. it doesn’t always happen immediately, but in time, there is relief and peace in His arms.
4. Exercise: fresh air, a long walk, time in the sun and definitely time at the beach. although it may not seem to help much at first and the outing may indeed be painful, getting outdoors really does help clear the air and often helps me press the reset button.
5. Sleep: enough sleep, but not too much. up with the alarm, dressed in some favorite feel good clothes with make up and hair done, whether or not i feel like it. period. no schlepping around in my favorite white nightie all the day long.
6. Kindness: more than usual i have to practice managing my inner dialogue and not allow negativity and critical self-talk to take hold. “…and we take every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” ~2 cor 10:5, niv.
7. Art: it doesn’t matter what i put my hands to, it does matter that i do it. this is not the kind of art i have to put a price tag on, put up for sale in my etsy shop or worry about making something custom for someone. artmaking during depressive episodes is purely for play; something that won’t lead to frustration or disappointment. set a timer if you’re really having a hard time getting into the studio and promise yourself a treat afterwards.
8. fan hope into flame: read things that are inspirational, do things that make you feel healthy, joyful and good. if you feel laughter coming on, go with it; don’t fight the good feelings. laughter is the most powerful of remedies; a natural cure if there ever was one.
9. ask for help: ask for help along the way, and surely ask for help if you don’t seem to be able to manage your depression by yourself. this is part of being kind to yourself. you do not need to suffer through this life…hugs to you from someone who understands…get help if you need it.

what are your personal experiences with depression? what role does art play in overcoming depression? share your story here and know that there is tender power in authenticity…

next week??? (or possibly, months from today): motherhood.