Jan Avellana | Art + Words

happy 8th birthday seth :)

{april 29, 2004}

dear seth,

we love to tell you that you were once as big as a grain of rice, and then when we finally brought you home, as big as a loaf of bread. you smile incredulously at the thought of that. you love to hear about the day you were born and how dad and i went swimming at the pool the day before you were born, and how i felt my first contraction in the water. it felt like a tiny pinch. and then, a few minutes later, another.

i remember how FREAKED OUT your dad was when i told him i was in early labor. he didn’t believe me as i calmly had him help me change all the sheets on our bed and tidy up before leaving for the hospital and how FREAKED OUT your dad was 24 hours later when the doctor said i was ready to deliver—“SHE’S READY TO DELIVER ALREADY?!”

they put you on my chest so that i could meet you for the very first time and after we spent some time bonding, they wrapped you up in that soft blanket and put that tiny little cap on your head and placed you gently in your daddy’s arms. and then, he wasn’t freaked out anymore—he was in love—with you, as was i. since that very moment we have not ever been the same.

you survived our ineptitude and our trial and error first time parenting and we survived nearly 2 years of your sleeplessness and countless hours upon hours of crying. you were the most awake baby i ever heard of and to this day you don’t want to miss out on anything. we are seeing each other through this life, you, your brother and dad and i, we are and learning to live with grace and patience and love together.

i cannot believe you are 8. you are such a sweet, bright and kind little boy and we are so very proud of you, so very, very proud to be your mom and dad. you and your brother make me want to be the best human being i can possibly be. i love you something fierce.

love,

your mama

farewell hazelnut cottage | hand stamped jewelry...hello hazelnut cottage | art and words

{ it is safe to try | mixed-media original, © 2010 jan avellana, hazelnut cottage }

“all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” ~anatole france

yes, it’s true. i am saying farewell to hazelnut cottage | hand stamped jewelry on etsy. it has been a great run—5 years since i opened up my online shop and started this blog—5 years since i began making the slow journey back to my true calling as an artist.

during these past 5 years i have learned so much about myself and what it is really, that makes my heart sing and makes me light up inside. so it is towards this light and towards this joy that i am setting my course! i am not going anywhere, God willing! i will still be here, still busy in the studio, but instead of making jewelry i am going to make lots of art. oodles and oodles of it, if i have my way. and hazelnut cottage | art and words will be just that—a space full of love and life and art and words and this, my beloved blog. i do hope you will continue to travel along the road with me as i go bravely onward, following my art dreams one step at a time.

please wish me well, and bear with me in grace as i grow—ungracefully at times—towards the calling i feel in my heart!

and to get me from here to there, there will be a job of some kind (i am building the boat as i set sail!) i’m sure, and also a clearing out of the hazelnut cottage shop on etsy to make space for the art that is to come. join me won’t you? take advantage of the new clearance section (up to 40% off!) i’ve set up in the shop. more items will be added as the summer rolls along until i’ve cleared out all of my remaining inventory. (please note: there is no customization or personalization on these items; they are being sold as is.)

and even if you don’t find anything you need or want from the shop, i’d be so grateful and humbled if you’d help spread the word and tell others about the sale (and my journey). i need you—my tribe—more now, than ever to help me get to the other side of the shore, safe and sound! :) it’s been a long time coming, and i’m ready.

dear fellow journeyer-dreamer, what new roads are you trailblazing today?

learning to lay it all down.

i recently took a very part-time, very temporary job teaching elementary school math. (that—believe me—is a long and separate story.) i also suffer from math anxiety, having been one of those students who NEEDED HELP and didn’t get it. suffice it to say, that everyday on my walks to and from school, i lug my over-stuffed bag with every worksheet, manipulative and math thing imaginable...just in case. i mean, i need to be prepared, because who knows what will happen during that math hour, right?!

as i made my way up a small incline today, i had to stop to rest. that bag is very heavy, full of all kinds of things i might need yes, but oh so heavy.

and as i sat there in the shade resting, i thought about what i really need to keep with me for math survival—a pen and pencil, some paper, today’s lesson and a few other important sheets of paper. about 80% of the things i have stuffed in my bag could really be put on a shelf or kept at home. but i carry everything around with me because i am insecure. i might need my stuff. then it hit me...

...in what other areas in my life am i lugging unnecessary stuff? in what other areas of my life am i overcompensating for because of my insecurities? what things, people, appearances and worries can i learn to let go and lay down to ease my burden through this life?

and then God’s word came to my heart, one that i’ve always struggled to understand:

“take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” matthew 11:29-30, niv

and it dawned on me that maybe Jesus’ burden is light because He gives us only what we truly need to carry, and no more. by trusting in Him instead of the stuff, we can travel light through this world. i mean, just imagine if we learned to let go of what people think of us (lighter)...if we learned to let go of our failures (lighter still)...and so much more...

is this you too? what do you want to learn to lay down?

the journey of life is—hopefully— a long and healthy one, but it does come with it’s own troubles—Jesus even said so. here’s to learning to travel light, my friend, with God in our hearts.

you are absolutely loved.

{ you are absolutely loved :: original mixed media, © jan avellana }

our family has a tradition. we ask our kids, “when does mama and daddy love you?” and they answer, “all the time.” hugs ensue. if they want tickles, they’ll squeal “sometimes” and scurry away, knowing the truth full well.

and when are we as adults lovable? all the time. yes, all the time. even when we are a mess, even when we have nothing to give anyone, even when we are needy and weak and not the best version of ourselves—especially, then. except, it’s hard for other broken human beings to love us through and through even when we’re at our best, and it’s certainly harder for others to love us when we are at our worst. i know, because i am often on the other end of the loving; i get tired, impatient and my love doesn’t look unconditional to those around me.

in these times especially, i look for the love of my Heavenly Father. i know i can rest in Him.

lately, i’ve been really struggling and not gracefully, i might add. no, i’ve just been a puddle. the depression that invades my life—at times more than others—has become increasingly difficult to cope with and it has forced me to finally get some help. it has taken years for me to come to terms with my inner anguish and even people closest to me don’t always get a clear sense of the painful inner life i sometimes inhabit...but it’s there. if you suffer from depression, you know what i’m talking about.

the good news is, i’ve taken my very first steps at dealing with this head-on for the first time in my life. it’s a long road ahead, but i’ve begun. it’s scary to admit to yourself and even to your loved ones that you need help, but the truth is that all of us need help sometimes. it’s okay not to be able to do it alone—it’s totally okay to ask for help. i am learning to surround myself with people who love me just as i am, people i don't have to defend myself to, people i don’t have to perform for.

you don’t have do be perfect, you don’t need to do anything more to be loveable. you can just be you. with all of your flaws and warts. really. truly. lay the rest down.

i know at my core that i am loveable, even now, especially now. as are you. you are absolutely loved.

15% OFF hand stamped mommy jewelry and hand stamped necklaces at hazelnut cottage!

{ blossom mother’s day necklace }

sale at the shop, now until april 21st! 15% off everything in the shop—including artwork—AND free shipping on all jewelry orders! this is the last sale until after mother’s day, so come and get it while the gettin’s good! last day to place an order in time for mother’s day gift giving is weds. april 25th! :)

here are a few other pretties for sale:

{ custom baby & mommy necklace }

and if you’re looking for something that doesn’t scream “MOMMY!!!”, you might like these:

{ one-of-a-kind heart charm bracelet }

{ reflections charm necklace }

{ the sweetest days pearl necklace }

something for moms of all walks of life at the hazelnut cottage shop, or maybe just pick up something pretty for yourself! :)

 

He is risen.

{ sunset beach, oahu :: april 2012 }

may you have a blessed easter and may you experience the unfathomable love the Father has for you.

“here is the world. beautiful and terrible things will happen. don't be afraid.”

 ~ frederick buechner

good friday.

“the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...” isaiah 61:1

this is the day we observe, when so many years ago, my savior Jesus was crucified. it is too much to bear to consider that He would die for me, and indeed for people everywhere.

even though i cannot comprehend Jesus’ love, i am grateful and so humbled to receive Him especially during this harrowing season—which we continue to go through even now. the weight of depression i’ve been suffering from, the inner emotional pain of the choices i must make and the stress of life...all i’ve wanted to do is curl up into a ball (with a pint or two of ice cream) and hibernate.

yet the grace of God reaches out to me even now—especially now—through my children, who force me into life by their very beings, through my husband, who after 19 years of marriage and 30 years of friendship, is still the one i look to in this life, through the friends who continue to stick by me even through the storms of life.

depression though, threatens to suck even grace from the face of the earth, if that were possible. at the very least, it renders you unable to receive anything good. it is a dark place indeed.

yet, i am never so lost that my God cannot find me. never so hidden in darkness that His light cannot penetrate. never out of reach of His grace or love. and neither are you, dear friend, neither are you.

because although it is true that Jesus died and went through unfathomable physical pain and complete spiritual and emotional brokenness, it is also true that He rose again. the love of the Father reached into that dark and dank tomb and from it, brought life and hope, not just for today and our ills, but for always. oh, that my savior knows and loves me with an intimacy that is uncomfortable and embarassing and profound. to know that He came to bind up my brokenheartedness and set me free. to this truth and to this Jesus I cling.

happy birthday, hazelnut cottage!

dear friend,

its right around this time of year that i celebrate hazelnut cottage on etsy’s birthday. i technically opened up my hand stamped jewelry shop at the end of february 2007, but i made my first online sale in april and then, my first etsy sale in may. ever since then, i’ve been here—glued, nearly—in my chair in the studio.

i am a radically different person that when i began this journey 5 years ago. utterly so. i’ve traveled very far, and have so far yet to go. sometimes, oftentimes lately, i don’t know if i’m going to make it to the end, leastways not with my sanity intact...i do believe i’ve already lost a few marbles along the way. (by the way, did you know that if you put a piece of paper in a box, drip in some paint and roll the marbles around on top of everything, you can make some pretty cool art?!)

ahem...i digress.

today, i know so, so much more about who i am. i know that i love to make art, i know that i love to write, that i love many, many things. i know that embarking on meaningful work is essential to my wellness in mind and spirit. i know that my babies are making me a better woman everyday, and that everyday i move one step closer to walking in God’s redeeming love a little more deeply.

but, oh, the things i don’t know. there are volumes i could write about this very thing, but trust me—it would get very whiny and very boring very quickly! this unknowing and uncertaintly eat away at me and cause me untold anguish. this, and my failures stick to me like marshmallow fluff. i have such a long, long way to go in learning how to love myself with kindness and a long way to go on my journey in trusting God. i want to with all of my heart (do you see, God?), but the truth is, i have a hard time (i know you love me anyway).

in the next month or two, i’ll be sharing some important news with you about hazelnut cottage—so do check-in to see what’s new.

happy birthday, hazelnut cottage, happy birthday...

xoxo,

jan

a visit to indigo.

girl dates are very good for the soul. two of my bestest girls have animal nicknames: ape (short for april) and cat (short for cathy). this time my date was with ape.

we made our way to chinatown’s indigo restaurant. nice ambience so far. (girls like ambience, you know.)

heavy hinges and tall doorways...

delicate hawaiian ginger and anthuriums...

a quiet table...

poetry of light and shadow...this corner makes me want to WRITE...

fresh ahi poke...

duck wraps...

beef wellington...and meaningful conversation about the twists and turns of life. it was nice to have a grown up meal in a grown up restaurant. we’re doing this again soon. oh yes we are.