Jan Avellana | Hazelnut Cottage

wordless wednesday | 3.30.11

 

countdown to artfest 2011: 7 more days!

slowwwly packing up for artfest next week...NEXT WEEK! (did i say next week?!) after putting my box of art supplies in my suitcase, i realized it was just too heavy, so i decided to ship it to the port townsend mail center, as per the info i found in our confirmation packet. who knew i had so much junk stuff?

i can’t believe i fit it all in a priority flat rate box! what a relief (and a sadness) to have it leave me. so many of my precious things bundled up in that box. mr(ms). postperson, please be very gentle with this box. part of my heart is in there.

i am almost all ready for artfest now. me and my red beanie. :)

resting.

dear friend,

in the midst of preparing for artfest, creating mother’s day inventory, mommying my little ones throughout the day and night, eating, sleeping and attempting to get my taxes in order, i have been resting. resting from the studio and from striving to create a cohesive body of work. it feels good—this break—good to be (more) fully present and good to be taking the time to reflect and seek God about new stirrings and beginnings.

i still don’t know where i’m going, anymore than i knew when i first began this blog almost four years ago…but meanwhile the journey has been fun, full of growth and self-discovery and i have been blessed with deep and true friendships along the way. if this were the only thing i ever got out of opening up my etsy shop and starting this artful journey, it would have been more than enough. the artmaking feels like gravy sometimes, you know?!

holding out for grace,

 

wordless wednesday...

ArtFest 2011!

 
{ this hawaii girl bought some boots!!! }

it’s official...i am going to artfest 2011! i cannot believe it. i am beside myself with joy that i not only get to go to artfest, but that i get to travel with two of my bestest girlfriends! and just when i thought it couldn’t get any better, i find out that i get to meet up with dear online friends! GAH!!! a girl could pass out from all this excitement! i purchased my tickets about a week ago, but i am just now allowing myself to really, truly, enjoy the entire experience—from shopping for boots (yay!) to packing the first of my things (i know, the trip is still 16 days away, but i am beyond excited!)!!!

i’ve known about artfest for a while now, and have drooled over this and many of the other artretreats out there, never thinking i’d ever get a chance to go. then one night, i came to the artfest site (i forget how) and saw that it was still a couple of months away...and registration still appeared to be open! “husband,” said i, “wouldn’t it be so awesome if i could go to artfest this year? it’s in april! i haven’t missed the deadline yet! there are sooo many classes i want to take! what do you think?” “well,” says he, “it would be better if you didn’t go alone...” so, on a whim, i asked april—one of my bestest friends—if she would consider going, and to my absolute surprise she said, “YES!” well now. if she said yes, then this would be a girl trip, and what’s a girl trip without cat, my other bestest friend?! and wouldn’t ‘cha know it?! she said, “YES!” too!

OMYGOSH THIS MEANS WE’RE GOING!!!

and so of course i run with the news of all of this to my dearest, bestest online artist friends and in addition to saying, “yay for you! hooray!” they say, “I LIVE IN WASHINGTON! I WILL GET TO MEET YOU!” and “I AM FLYING IN FROM CHICAGO AND I AM COMING TOO! WE ARE GOING TO MEET!”

NO WAYYYYYYY!

and that’s how this girl’s life has been for the last two weeks or so. and boots and everything! this just keeps getting better and better :)!!! (and i haven’t even left yet!)

remembering...

{ her name is sorrow | mixed-media and acrylic on canvas board }

it’s been...difficult lately. on so many levels. we weep over japan and her recent sufferings. before we had our babies, my husband and i would go every other year, over a half a dozen times and then i lost count.

we’d always travel to tokyo, make a side trip to hakone to soak in the hot springs and then sometimes—in recent years—to visit an aunt in hitachi in ibaraki-ken.

my husband’s mother is originally from okinawa, and so all of his family and lots of old family friends are strewn across japan. his older brother is in tokyo. we are so very grateful that everyone we love has been accounted for and are all fine and safe...and with this gratefulness also comes the sad realization that this is not true for so, so many throughout the world tonight.

i’ve been numb, watching the news and video clips of the horrific devasation as if having an out of body experience. and then, in the midst of that, being thrown into a whirlwind of preparing ourselves as the tsunami headed our way (we are in honolulu). filling up the gas tank, a mad dash to the market (my husband), making sure the babies went to bed un-alarmed (me and my sister). now that the busy-ness has subsided, i think i may be in mourning.

it’s been 5 years since we last visited japan—our home away from home—i miss her, quite terribly this week, especially.

there is a special “smell” to japan. a mix of incense and something almost medicinal that greeted us as soon as we stepped off the plane and that lingered in our suitcases upon arriving home. the sounds of the ambulances—peepo, peepo—so different from our own...the slurping from the business-men at the stand up ramen stands...the irrashaimase from the vendors at ueno’s ameyoko-cho marketplace.

the sights of the yatai—tiny street-food stands—lit up against the darkness of night, the sight of little children no more than 4 or 5 years old, in the country-side, catching the train in their school uniforms and square backpacks, yes, even in this day and age.

there was a tiny grocery store in the neighborhood of setagaya where we called home for 3 weeks of the year, every other year. we’d go and get breakfast foods and have this morning meal at home before venturing out for the day’s activities. most of the items in the market were easily identifiable; sausages, eggs and the like, but then, there were those items that were packaged quite differently than home—like yogurt—and not being able to read very much japanese, we’d guess wrong sometimes, and go home with some other dairy-type food (not yogurt). but that was the fun of it all. discovering and exploring and finding new favorites.

wishing that we could pass all of these little things on to my children. “see? this is where mommy and daddy came to eat with uncle nes”, “can you hear the train riding along on the tracks?—baboombaboom, baboombaboom”...and one day, we shall return, God willing, but not this day and not for a long while to come, i suspect.

may we all be a little more grateful, a little kinder to each other, a little more full of grace for people as we come face to face with just how fragile life is.

japan, i am missing you today.

the sea and me.

that there, is a mighty big ocean. feels as big as my dream life, these days. you know, the dreams i have about the future, about where i want to go with my art (well, once i find her that is), about where i want to take my loved ones...the ones that threaten to pummel me with hopelessness in the wee hours of the morning when i am tossing and turning and trying to decide whether or not i should get up and do something productive since i’m not sleeping anyhoo, or try and pretend to sleep and wondering if pretending to sleep will trick my body into feeling like it actually had sleep when i “wake up” tomorrow morning. you know, THOSE dreams?

and sometimes this vast sea completely overwhelms me. there are so, so, so many artists—so many wonderful, talented, awesome artists in this world, all with their unique voice and style and sometimes i wonder in all honesty—what could i possibly add to the conversation that hasn’t already been said and said better? (oh madeleine, yes, i remember, but still...)

wondering tonight why—looking back on my life—it seems to take me such a long time to journey short distances in my life. how to get “there” more quickly...how to find and develop my artistic voice (if indeed i have one at all, as i am beginning to despair!). pray, journal, listen, seek, knock, ask? take a few classes? find a mentor (oh, i wish i may, i wish i might, dear Lord!)? make art every single day? read more books? get some creative life coaching? hmmm...yes, yes to it all. sigh, but at this rate, i shall be decrepit and unable to see my paints anymore...all the more reason to hurry this along!

a featured artist today, at the Do What You Love blog :)...

:) today, my story is up on beth nicholl’s Do What You Love blog...today, i am back in the studio after a brief break over the weekend, to see what i can see. today, i am daring to begin again, afresh, anew. what are you daring to do today?

Artist Studio: Sneak Peek!

played in the studio last night, working on a journal swap and decided to show you just how messy my workspace is (note: this is AFTER i cleaned it up last week!!!) this is one of my favorite pictures in a while...paintbrushes in water...love how you can see the christmas lights reflecting on the surface.

whatever could this be? the cover of my journal. i painted directly on an old book cover i am using to do art journaling. i was supposed to get it into the mail over a week ago, but it’s sort of become a necessary warming up tool...hmm...may have to start another one for the swap!

dear God. it’s me jan. i’m here. i’m willing to try.

the mess expands...

...and then expands some more...i find i really enjoy working loosely, intuitively. i feel free. however, i find i can only do this with junky materials that are never intended to be part of my “BODY OF WORK”. some kind of switch gets flicked when i sit down to “MAKE ART” and i get kinda uptight! hmm...any advice or observations? is this loosey-goosey style my true art style that i am trying so hard to find night, after night in the studio?

the mess you see, kind of keeps going on and on. i need a bigger studio, dontcha’ think? (and maybe someone to clean up after me!)

flying and floundering.

 

{ you were made to fly | mixed media on canvas }

i am trying to believe the words on this painting, a painting that i created in the studio this week. sometimes, i believe with my whole heart, that i am meant to be an artist. that this is what i am made to do, and when things go smoothly in the studio it feels like my spirit is soaring.

at other times—many times—i feel as if i’m floundering. making my way through the muck in the dark, trying to look graceful as muddy strands of hair (speckeled with grey, i might add) obscure my view. gah! who am i kidding? and is anyone really looking anyway?! well, besides me that is.

i am trying to birth myself. i am teaching myself to be a mixed-media artist. yes. i am. finding yourself, finding your creative voice and artistic style takes lots and lots of time...at least for me it does. trying on other people’s techniques for time, to see if it fits, to see if somehow you can find yourself in the mix and pull your voice out from the chorus. it also takes a lot of paint, a lot of canvas and paper, a lot of bactine and band-aids for all those scrapes and bruises from when you fall and rise up again to paint another day, another picture.

i am learning so much about myself and what i need these days. to thrive as an artist i need safe, supportive community and i am so, so grateful to have this, both online and locally. i also need chunks of time; this is a little more difficult to come by, but i am learning to work in bits and spurts and make do with what i have, both in time and in material resources. i also need to take classes. yes, i do. i want to take some online courses and i want to attend my very first art retreat. that still quiet voice inside of me is whispering, telling me assuredly, this is my next steps. how i will be able to do this, i don’t yet know, but the desire is fully awakened. O God, that You would make a way, where there is no way...

and grace and kindness, peace and patience. i need to lavish myself with all of these things. i need to redefine what i mean by success. i am already an artist, whether or not i sell a single thing and whether or not the world acknowledges who i am or what i make. just because i am jan, i am loveable and valued, and not for what i do.