Despite the fact that I have been oh so quiet on this here blog lately, lots has been happening both personally, artistically and spiritually.
It seems that I am in constant low grade emotional turmoil over one thing or another. If you know me well, or even superficially, I would venture to say that most people would not think that I am into drama. You know the kind. I am outwardly, at least, very even. But internally, things are always brewing and this week I got some insight. One huge breakthrough is about the guilt I feel about living this indie life. I realized that I was feeling huge amounts of guilt over my choice to live as an indie artist because I was perpetuating the financial insecurity I grew up with (never having rent money, people banging on the door to collect money) and passing this type of childhood—along with all the hurts and scars—onto my own children. HUGE.
Thankfully, with the help of my Pastors (did I say I love my Pastors?!) I’ve been able to lay everything out and process through my thoughts and feelings and have been embraced with their love and support and words of wisdom and affirmation. And they SEE me. They really get me, they do. And most especially the art part. And their assurance that my children’s life and childhood is vastly different (read: healthier and more spiritually grounded) than the one I grew up in is helping to ease some of my own pain.
One question I struggle with is this: “What do I want to teach my children?” Do I want to just talk about faith, about seeking God with your whole heart, about listening for His voice and following Him with courage—even into the unknown, even if it means your decisions are not popular or sensical or practical—or do I want to actually live it? Do I actually BELIEVE God is Jehovah Jireh when He says:
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell
you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.” Luke 12:27
Today, do we not have clothes on our back? Food to eat? A beautiful home to live in?
Oh, me of little faith...and that's what I’ve been up to lately...
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