Jan Avellana | Art + Words

Week 5: Weekly Wrap-Up

{ Me + April on a tribal outing }

Dear Awesome Girl,

When people gather around a common interest or value, community is born. But whether or not that community will grow and thrive and foster healthy, loving, honest relationships is up to the individuals who make up that community and the leadership who determines the vision and helps to nurture the culture of that community.

I have had mixed experiences with community. I have been in communities that made my skin crawl, where gossip and backbiting were a common, everyday occurence. I have been part of a grace-filled community that has welcomed a transgender Christian, struggling with his faith. I have been part of a life-giving community of friends, deep and true, where you can let your guard down completely, knowing with all your heart that they will always think the best of you, even when you are a blubbering and snotty mess of a failure and you’ve completely screwed up big time.

Such is this life we belong to. People are fickle and often self-seeking. But we are also kind and capable of great love.

May you find and nurture your own life-giving community. And may it add laughter and love to this wild life we are called to live.

XOXO,

Jan

Week 5: Building Community—A Tribe to Call Your Own

{ My Hawaii tribe enjoying Seattle! :) Cat, Ape and Me }

Safe community begins with us.

Where there is no safe community to be found, it’s up to us to gather our own people together. People who will love us, people who you can argue with and make up with and still love the next day, people who will tell you the truth in kindness, people who are good for you, people who will always think the best of you and people who will fight for you tooth and nail when you can’t fight for yourself.

It is so, so, so important to have a safe community to belong to, and if you don’t have one, or can’t find it out there, nurture and build your own!

{ Me, with the fabulous Crystal Neubauer!!! }

Choose, nurture and build your tribe well.

It is an honor and a privelege to belong to your tribe and only those most dear, most loyal and true should be allowed in.

(In other words, keep the (other) crazies out!)

Week 5: On Being a Safe Person

{ me, grade 1 }

True story: A woman at my old workplace would go out of her way to be super-duper friendly to me. She’d stop me in the street as she drove by, rolling down her car window to wave to me, to chat at the stoplight, even. I let my guard down and let her in. My weirdo-radar (apparently an obsolete model) gave me no indication that I should keep my distance from her. So, I didn’t. After a few months of this easy-breezy-chatty-friendship, I found out that she and another woman I hardly knew were spreading rumors about me that were totally untrue.

I was speechless. Really. The fact that someone can even conjure up something sinister about my life (whose highlight is going to the 7-11 for some spicy tuna sushi) is pretty exciting—oh, I mean really, very sad. My first reaction was to defend myself to “everyone”, to show them my resume, let them talk to my pastor and best friends who could vouch and attest for me that I am indeed a non-evil-entity and someone who can be trusted not to eat the very last piece of chocolate in the box because she thinks so of others more highly than herself. Truly. Kindof.

My next reaction (and this sickens me to say) was to be extra nice to this woman! As in, there is something wrong with me and if I were just nicer then she will take back everything she said and I would be okay again. As in, more truthfully, I didn’t have the courage to confront her and ask, “What the hell are you thinking and talking about, woman?!!!”

As time went by, I began to ask look more objectively about the situation. I began asking myself what is it that makes a safe community? What does “safe” really mean? And finally, how can I be a safe person? Here is what I’ve come to:

Safe means you don’t have to wonder if what I’m telling you or presenting you is the truth or not. Safe means you can trust me, really trust me. Safe means that I don’t judge you, that I am unshockable, that I am humble, that I am the first to admit my wrong and the first to say I’m sorry and really mean it. Safe means I will be vulnerable with you and expose the truth about who I am and that I will risk rejection and judgement in order to be my true self. Safe means, I talk openly about my doubts, fear, anger, joy, disappointments, selfishness, and envy, rather than pretend I’m not human, even if I use the occasional cuss word (as if I think God can’t hear my private grumblings or isn’t there to witness my outbursts with the pee-cat. Again.)

Safe means that I need to be as honest as I can be with myself and with you. That means, I need to say what I really feel and think, with as much honesty and kindness as I can possibly muster.

If it gives me the heebie-jeebies to smile and share a hug with someone, only to have them whisper something snarky behind my back, then I can’t be that kind of person. So, safe means that I don’t make snide comments about others becuase if I do, you can be sure that I’m saying those things about you when you're not there to hear (note to self: stay away from folks like this). That means if I have a problem with someone, I need to be courageous enough to address it directly with them—not get anyone else involved through a “venting session” or a “as-a-gossip-session-cloaked-as-a-prayer-request” and if I find that I don’t have the yayas to confront that person, then really, I just need to shut up. Seriously.

I need to not take myself oh-so seriously; I need to be able to laugh at myself and give others the benefit of the doubt and extend grace when they make a mistake and fess up because this is the kind of grace I need extended to me daily. I don’t want to be the kind of person who says, “Well, I told you so!”. Safe means being real all of the time. Safe means not wearing any kind of mask even if it makes other people uncomfortable because real is always better than fake, even if real is messy, vulnerable, embarassing, shocking, dirty, messy (did I say that already?), un-Christian-like (remember David and Bathsheba and David’s cover-up attempt?!, someone God calls a man after His own heart—go wrap your brain around THAT one!). Basically, if I think it, and I harbor it in my heart, and I talk secretly about it in whispers, then I should also be unashamed to say it here, discuss it there and everywhere—because even if I pretend, God knows the truth. He always knows.

And looking and sounding good and holy to others just doesn’t matter if it’s not real; it just doesn’t, not one squat bit.

So, this is who I am and who I am becoming. A real girl, with flaws and too many words and commas, and too much body fat from eating Klondike bars for lunch. A girl who is still learning how to love Jesus without guile, without shame. A girl who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is (mostly) and is learning to love myself. A safe person that people can trust because they know what they see is what they get and that’s the whole of it. Period.

Up for discussion: What are your thoughts on being a safe person? What would you add to this description I started here? Who are the safe people in your life and what about them makes you feel safe?

Week 5: Belonging to a Tribe

 

{ Transcending :: Kelly Corrigan }

A tribe is more than just a random group of friends, it is an intentional community with a purpose, whether spoken or unspoken. Your purpose could be something as structured as joining together to meet for bible study and prayer, or as simple and casual as meeting for mutual support and companionship.

In my own “tribal” experience, the trust runs deep, the conversation, true and there is a loyal and loving commitment not only to the individuals in the tribe, but also to the tribe itself.

With artists and entreprenuers a special kind of tribe is extremely helpful in helping to keep you working at your craft in season and out. Julia Cameron calls them “Believing Mirrors”:

“Believing Mirrors” are people who mirror us back to ourselves as powerful, strong, and in our most positive light. Our Believing Mirrors are valuable people in our creative lives. Who are the Believing Mirrors in your life?

Up for discussion: What has been your experience with a “tribe”? What does your ideal tribe look like? Who are the believing mirrors in your life and why are they such potent forces for your good? Share your thoughts on today’s video…oh, to be a pigeon!

Week 5: The Yearning to Belong (Belonging to Yourself First)

When I was first making my slow way back to art, I stumbled upon a website called “Another Girl at Play”. The site featured interviews of 25 female creatives along with links to their websites and blogs. I remember sitting at my computer, with my newborn son asleep in his moses basket beside me, devouring all 25 of those interviews and feeling for the first time in my life that I had finally found my tribe—a community I could belong to. I knew down in my marrow that I was one of these women and it filled me all at once with an ache and a relief—that half laughing, half crying thing—I really wasn’t alone in this world. There were other women, just like me—who were farther along the path on the creative journey, women I could look up to and aspire to be like. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was a homecoming of sorts—one of those profound moments I knew was going to stay with me forever.

I hadn’t fully realized how lonely I’d been until that moment. I have a few close, wonderful friends that I am honored to share my life with and a best-friend-husband who I’ve been married to for the last 19 years, so it wasn’t for a lack of deep relationships.

The loneliness I had experienced over my lifetime and a large part of the homecoming I now felt, was because I was finally meeting myself for the first time—maybe ever.

In those 25 interviews of creative women, I saw myself. I could finally put words to that elusive yearning that I was not living out who I was meant to be—I was and am an artist and a writer, a dreamer, a feeler, a tribe builder and belonger—and I am today, one of my own best friends, a girl who knows herself so much more than she used to and is even learning to like herself.

Now I Become Myself (by May Sarton)

Now I become myself. It's taken
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces,
Run madly, as if Time were there,
Terribly old, crying a warning,
"Hurry, you will be dead before--"
(What? Before you reach the morning?
Or the end of the poem is clear?
Or love safe in the walled city?)
Now to stand still, to be here,
Feel my own weight and density!
The black shadow on the paper
Is my hand; the shadow of a word
As thought shapes the shaper
Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
All fuses now, falls into place
From wish to action, word to silence,
My work, my love, my time, my face
Gathered into one intense
Gesture of growing like a plant.
As slowly as the ripening fruit
Fertile, detached, and always spent,
Falls but does not exhaust the root,
So all the poem is, can give,
Grows in me to become the song,
Made so and rooted by love.
Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, the pursued, who madly ran,
Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

Belonging to myself means that I am firmly rooted in the love and grace of my Abba God. It means that I choose to actively seek out His will for my life and to walk in an honest relationship with Him, by being as honest with myself about who I am—who He created me to be—as I possibly can. Belonging to myself means learning to be the most genuine self I can be, flaws, pimples—lowlights as well as highlights. It means honoring Jesus Christ and His precious sacrifice by honoring who I am in God.

“…Thomas Merton calls [this] "true self." This is not the ego self that wants to inflate us (or deflate us, another from of self-distortion), not the intellectual self that wants to hover above the mess of life in clear but ungrounded ideas, not the ethical self that wants to live by some abstract moral code. It is the self-planted in us by the God who made us in God's own image-- the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.

True self is true friend. One ignores or rejects such friendship only at one's peril.”

~Parker Palmer, “Let Your Life Speak”

What does “belonging to yourself” mean to you and how do you belong to yourself first?

Up for discussion: Share your feelings about community. Do you belong to a tribe that you engage with regularly and if so, how do they meet your need for belonging and support? As an individual, what are your personal needs for community—what works for you and what doesn’t? If you can, share about a time where you experienced life-giving community and the positive effect it had on you.

Week 4: Weekly Wrap-Up

{ The fabulous April practicing the art of self-care. }

So, how are you doing…really? Are you feeling good about where this is all leading? Do you have a sense of priorities in your life shifting for a more real, joyful, healthier you?

This week we focused on self-care, a Godly concept that often translates into “selfishness”. They are not the one and the same. Godly self-care is same basic respect, love, cherishing, tender care that we offer other people, turned now towards ourselves. It is necessary and it is good.

Up for discussion: Did you notice any guilt creeping up on you this week as we focused on this topic of self-care? If so, where do you think it comes from and who or what in your life continues to feed this guilt? What steps can you take to challenge those things and/or people in your life who either subtly or blatantly stand in your way of caring for yourself? Do YOU value self-care and what changes are you making today to continue to grow in this act of Godly self-love?

Week 4: Feeding the Artist’s Soul

{ Your very own “SELF-CARE-FOR-THE-ARTIST” notes! Download the .pdf now! :}

How many times a day, a week, do I tell my children:

“Be kind to your brother.”

“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t talk.”

“Speak politely to one another.”

“Take care of each other.”

“Gently, please, gently!”

Now, look in the mirror. How often do we speak and treat one another with this same level of kindness we demand from our children? I stand convicted.

I firmly believe that we can radically change the way we feel about ourselves for the better, by doing small, simple loving, gestures. I also believe that feeding the artist’s soul with these small kindnesses go a long way in helping us be prolific in the studio and workplace.

It is a well known fact that creatives from every field have needs unique to them. Creatives need oodles of downtime, time to do seemingly “nothing” is counterintntuitive to being a prolific artist, but it is in these times where we gather our creative steam, new ideas get planted and seedlings start to grow. We need both solitude to think our thoughts, and safe community to bring those thoughts into the sunlight and have them nurtured by those that understand our need for encouragement. Artists need fresh images, fresh experiences and lots of nature to fill the constant stream of ideas that is constantly flowing.

We need safety to create our art and a chance to let it grow. We need the time and space to play, trying out crazy new ideas, and always in the wings, a friend who believes in us no matter how many ideas we’ve cycled through only to come back to idea #1 a mere 24 hours later.

May the little ideas in this .pdf print available to you be enough to start “spoiling” your artist self. Download it now and print it out. Feel free to color it, paint it, or leave it as is. Cut on the dotted lines and place these little notes in a dish or jar and help yourself to one or more of these a day—then, do whatever the note says! :) To make it more fun, place them face down and choose one a day and let us know in our Facebook group which act of kindness and self-care you are taking for yourself that day—extra awesomess points to you if you post a picture of yourself on our Facebook wall, doing that activity!

Your life should be filled with big and little things that bring you peace, joy and warm fuzzies; it cannot be all about work, and exposure, and marketing, and sales, and galleries, and promotions, and awards and success. We’ve got to remember to enjoy our lives and live them and a lot of that remembering and enjoying is in the small everyday pleasures we so often deny ourselves. No longer; from now on we choose to feed our hungry artist’s souls with the good things God freely gives to us to enjoy. The nourishment we lavish on ourselves will find it’s way into our work and help us do the thing that brings our soul joy, and in turn—will feed the world’s hunger for goodness and beauty and meaning—work which we as creatives are boldly called to, by the Great Creator Himself.

Up for discussion: Which of these activities sounds the best to you? What would you add to the list of kind things you can start doing for yourself each day? If you’ve already completed an activity of your choosing, how did you feel being intentionally kind to yourself?

Week 4: Answering the Call

{ Throwing pottery in Ibaraki-Ken, Japan :: 2002 }

Earlier, I mentioned that during the course of trying to figure out my life, I took a 10 year hiatus from all things art related. Is it any wonder, that during that season of my life I sank deeper and deeper into depression? I made the mistake of believing that I wasn't an artist because I was a misfit in the corporate graphic design world, and took a 10 year detour.

I lost my nerve, I lost my passion, I lost my way. God made a way through my misery—by His grace, I finally chose sign up for a wheel throwing class; something I had wanted to do for years. I ran away from my classroom— twice a week, right after the last bell rang and brought a few newbie teachers along with me, and for those few hours a week, I was alive and happy.

It would prove to be life to me and a non-threatening doorway back to the visual arts that I have always loved. I LIVED for those 6 hours a week of time in the ceramics studio. It was messy, the act of centering the clay, contemplative, and covered in mud from head to toe, I was happy for 6 hours a week. It slowly began to dawn on me, that I wanted to feel this happy for 40 hours a week, and indeed, all the time. I enventually quit teaching altogether and became a mama twice, and over the course of the next 5 years to make my painful, slow way back to being able to accept the call of artist on my life and I am still healing and learning new truths everyday.

For the artist and creative soul, logging in time in the studio and actually doing the work is one important way to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. By doing what brings us joy, we honor who God made us to be. We say “Yes, Lord” to God when we let ourselves die to the lesser loves and give ourselves sacrificially to the thing we are created for—whether it’s making music, painting, encaustic, collage, photography, writing, dancing, mommying, cooking, math-ing—when we deny ourselves the time and space to create, we cease to be obedient to God and His clear call on our lives.

{ In the studio…}

And not only that, but who are we not to receive God’s grace with joyfulness and humility? God loves me. He loves you. We are not to move in our gifts and nurture these presents out of guilt as so many of us have been taught, but out of love for our Papa God, His Holy Spirit and Jesus, out of joy!

The call to be who He intentionally created us to be—to figure it out, to wrestle, to struggle, to sacrifice for the call of artist—to engage with our Heavenly Father in the work He wants us to do in this world is a blessing with a burden. We give ourselves over to His work, trusting God to bring whatever fruit He wants according to His timetable, not ours.

14 “Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. 15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. 16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand - shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” ~Matthew 5: 14-16 (The Message)

Answering this call—to shine brightly so those that are seeking will be able to see God by the light we shine forth—is for all of us, whether or not we scrape by from penny to penny, or whether we make oodles of money from practicing our artform or our vocation, whatever the calling may be. The popularity of our art, the amount of sales we’ve racked up, the bottom line of our paycheck have nothing to do with our worth as creators, the art we create or the life we live—but it often FEELS that the two are intimately connected and to fail at the-money-part is to fail at the-obedience-to-the-call-part, and this is a lie. Our part is to show up and create and express whatever it is He wants to say through us with as much heart and passion and skill as we can muster, and the rest of it is up to God.

The truth is, we are compelled by love to answer God’s call with as much heart and faith and obedience as we can muster. We are ambassadors, set apart for His purposes. It is not only the work of our hands that our Father has purposes for, but also, our very beings. We give Him not only the paintings we paint, or the words we write, or songs we sing, but in the making of them, we give our very selves over to Him.

“The charismatic person is one who, by her very being, will be God’s instrument in calling forth gifts. The person who is having the time of her life doing what she is doing has a way of calling forth the deeps of another. Such a person is herself the Good News. She is the embodiment of the freedom of the new humanity. Verbal proclamation of the Good News becomes believeable. The person who exercises her own gift in freedom can allow the Holy Spirit to do in others what He wants to do.” ~ The Eighth Day of Creation, Elizabeth O’Connor

Up for discussion: What is the work you feel you are called to do, either in this particular season or as a life calling? When did you become aware of this call on your life and what were the confirmations that lead you to believe this call is from God? Describe how you feel, physcially, emotionally, spiritually, when you are engaged in this work that God has called you to. If you have them, what are your struggles with earning a living from your vocation or craft? In what way are you a shining your light in this world, and do you think it’s possible to shine your light if you are not practicing self-love and authenticity?

Week 4: Self-Care 102 and Depression

Kataran ni amari ni kanashi tsutsuman ni
Kokoro modayuru ayumishishi michi

“I cannot speak the sadness of past or hide it
Alas, ’tis the path I have followed.”
~Kurenai Tsuneko Hongo, Petals of the Vanda (My Paternal Grandmother)

Looking back down the roads I’ve traveled, I realize that I have struggled with depression for most of my life. It’s no wonder; my family tree is loaded with human beings who were—and are—wonderfully creative and artistic, and also plagued with mental anguish. There have been pockets of time when life has gone smoothly, when the angst of work and life have been bearable, but lingering in the background were always the storm clouds in the distance. For the most part, I’ve built up a nice set of coping skills to keep the depression from worsening; exercise, girl time, art making, God time, family time and enough sleep.

But early in the autumn of 2011, my nice shiny set of “I-can-handle-this-all-by-myself-kit”, stopped working. I began having panic attacks and infrequent, fleeting chest pain in addition to spiking blood pressure levels and deepening depression. The truth of the matter was, I was not able to handle this “all on my own” any longer…my internist sent me to the cardiologist (where I passed a stress test for my heart just fine), put me on high blood pressure medication and admonished me to try anti-anxiety meds and to start seeing a psychiatrist. I fought him on this for months, until one evening after crawling into bed immediately after dinner and no bath, I hunkered down under the covers and said to myself, “I just don’t want to get up ever again, I just don’t want to get up ever again.”

I meant it and it scared me. I was becoming a shell, fragile outside and empty inside. It was then that I knew I absolutely had to get help and that there was nothing more I could do on my own to help myself get better; my best wasn’t good enough anymore.

The very next day, I made a long overdue appointment with a psychiatrist. We talked for about an hour and a half, and then a couple of days later, I saw him for a second time. After balking at medication (and the need to consult with a psychiatrist) with my internist for 8 months, I was finally broken enough to listen to the truth about how anti-depressant medication works, the pros and cons how together with therapy, depression is treatable. I began treatment that very day because I told myself that I owed it to my children and my family to be happy, healthy and alive for them, and slowly discovered that I owed it to myself, too. It was a very dark season and one I’m so thankful to have behind me today, but it is still a delicate road I walk and I must choose to care for myself each day.

It was this act of agressive self-care that broke something inside of me and I am so very grateful it did. When I started doing what I knew was right and necessary for me and stopped trying to please all the voices that tsked-tsked me for getting help—Saying “yes” to life and “yes” to myself is becoming easier and easier and I find myself apologizing so much less for being who I am.

Since then, I have come such a long, long way in such a short, short time. I am learning not just to take care of my physical health, but my emotional health as well. I now ask for help from other people when I need it. I say “No” to people a lot more these days (a lot more) because this allows me to say “Yes” to myself more often; “Yes, I will get some extra sleep tonight since I’m tired”, “Yes I can meet you for dessert later today”, “Yes, mommy has time to go swimming at the pool with you”. I came clean with my husband about not being able to handle my load anymore, and was honest with him about all the things I needed to lay down. For the first time in my life I feel more myself than I ever have. I can actually enjoy my children, joke with them and be silly! I see the blue sky and feel the joy of the sunlight soaking into my skin. I have such hopeful thoughts for the future, thoughts I couldn’t manage to hold onto, no matter how hard I tried before.

It’s a particularly scary topic to write about our own experiences with depression—so many of us have experienced rejection and judgement in our lives, even at the hands of well meaning Christian friends and loved ones (just think of Job!)—so this is a week, please be extra kind and gentle with yourself and others as we practice being vulnerable.

In the comments, kindly remember that advice giving, admonishments and scripture quoting to “teach and convict” the other of their “sin” isn’t necessary in this space; here, we make a wide berth to speak our true feelings (yes, even if they are “shocking” and “shameful” to us) and allow us to really hear ourselves and allow God to speak to each person in that empty space.

(PLEASE NOTE: Some people have very strong opinions about therapy, anti-depressant medications or mental illness as being “unspiritual” and/or sinful. Please be aware that we are here to simply witness one another’s unfolding, being present in the midst of someone’s wrestling and reflections, so please refrain from condemnation and judgment of others (whether you have an informed medical opinion or otherwise). Please allow your fellow participants to trust God, to feel and find their own way through.)

Up for discussion: What has been your own personal experience with depression? If you have personal experience with depression what do you think your depression is trying to tell you? There are choices we make that bring us to life and other choices we make that deaden us: What are some things that you can choose to resist that deaden your true self? What are some choices that enliven you?

Week 4: Creative Project — Heart Walk

This week’s creative project is a little different. Take a nature walk; it could be a hike, a beach walk, or just around your neighborhood. Go by yourself and take a camera with you—choose something that you can take a relatively high resolution photo with. Now go and find a heart in your environment. Yep, a heart. It can be man made (graffiti) or found in nature (see the tree?) You might be surprised at what you will find as you take the time too look and be open to seeing. This is an exercise in learning to take time for yourself and engage with the world in lighthearted play.

If you don’t have the time or abiilty for a walk this week, or don’t have access to a camera, don’t fret. Go online and find a photo of a heart found in nature that has a Creative Commons license or is otherwise copyright free. A great place to start is here on Flickr. Upload your photo to your blog (giving proper credit of course) and tell a little bit about your date with yourself.

 

Got it? Go! :)