{somewhere on the north shore of oahu, winter 2009}
“The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” ~Agnes de Mille
Do you ever find that the longer you are gone, the longer you lay something down, the harder it is to come back? I feel as if I’ve been away from this blog (until recently such a beloved little space that I couldn't wait to get to...) for so long, all of this seems worlds away and I wonder if this little blog has outrun its usefulness, lost its sense of purpose?
These past few months have been rough, emotionally. The family is fine (so deeply grateful). However, my Etsy sales were down compared to last year and honestly, it makes me sad. Truthfully tho', I think my sales are simply a reflection of my divided heart...(more on this, below). Thankfully, my wholesale accounts were very busy indeed. Artwise, workwise, this year has been one of uncertainty and I am beginning to wonder if this is simply how I am built, wonder if I will ever walk around with the deep knowingness of finding work that feels completely “right”. I don’t know. Long story short, I am contemplating big changes over at my Etsy shop for 2010 and attempting to do so thoughtfully, mindfully...oh, just for so many reasons.
It isn’t so much that I’ve lost interest in what I do (handstamped jewelry) exactly. It is more a feeling that this was much needed beginning for me and that I am ready for the next step in the journey, tho' I can’t really say what that is yet.
Fears about success, choosing the 'right' venture, fears about failure, all of that has me feeling quite low these days. I have better moments to be sure, when I’m not focusing on my vocation, my calling and instead, focus on my little ones, my dear, sweet family and friends—then I’m okay. When I remember, “Oh yah! God is with me and He has a plan”, then I’m okay, but how quickly I falter.
My church family is also undergoing some painful trials, but I also see so much goodness, love and growth everywhere I turn. I am so grateful for my dear church family, I am so moved by people’s acts of generosity, tenderheartedness, meekness, and vulnerability. I am finding Jesus’ heart in the most unexpected circumstances and places. In the past few weeks, I have had some of the most authentic and heartfelt conversations of my Christian life with many people I had only known superficially until now. The love I have felt from my brothers and sisters in Christ has been palpable. Sometimes God has to refine us…oh, to keep my eyes on Him.
So, I’m still here. Still taking one step at a time, but at a much slower pace. And soon, more to share with you for sure.
Recent Comments